Being a SAHM and working part-time doesn’t allow much time to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining about this. I love being with my children. Even on the days that are not so graceful. (There are plenty of those around here!) This is what I have always wanted, to be home with my children and watch them grow.
I do enjoy some alone time though. It’s important and absolutely
essential to any mother. This is where I run. Some runs are long, others
are just to help maintain my sanity. Then it begins. As I run, I think
up all those crazy thoughts that you had no idea you could even think
up. I am a pretty optimistic person. I am not one who carries a lot of
anxiety. Yet when I separate myself from my children my head becomes
this place filled with chaos.
I typically use my thinking time when I am running for constructive
things. I think about the day – how things have gone, and how can I make
them better. I think about what I want for myself, for my family, and I
wonder where life will take us. I use this time to reflect on mistakes I
have made. Parenting fails and bumps in the road I may have hit along
the way. It’s my time to release, heal and aspire for more.
Then it happens – I hear sirens. I see a cop car. A fire truck goes
by with all of its flashing lights. I suddenly lose all rationality.
I begin to wonder if something has happened at the house…
Did one of the kids get hurt? Did my oldest run outside and get hit
by a car? Is there a fire? Did the baby fall and get hurt? Did one of
the kids break something?
These are just some of the ridiculous things that go through my head. Others are just too embarrassing to share.
Truth be told, I get a little nervous not being around my kids. Okay,
so more than a little. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that
something is going to happen to them if I am not there. I trust my
partner; it has nothing to do with him. I trust my folks, who are the
only other people I leave my kids with. So what is wrong with me?!
It’s simple – I am a mother. These are my children who grew inside me
and I want to always protect them. I know very well that they could be
with me and break a bone or fall off the couch just as easily as if they
were with their father. I am not a superhero who can protect
my children from all the bad things I fear. I just want to be there for
them, ease any pain, and try my best to let them know I will do whatever
it takes to keep them safe.
Can I shut my mind off? Will this get easier? Probably not. I am sure
there will be countless more runs filled with crazy thoughts and
unrealistic scenarios. I don’t have a cape hanging in my closet. There
will be different ages and stages to challenge me. I just have to
remember to breathe, be thankful, and never take a moment for granted.
What do you do for "ME" time away from your children? Are you able to be in the moment or do you struggle with "crazy" thoughts too?
Other Posts From DISCOVERING ME IN THEM:
What I Fear The Most
The Day I Hurt My Sons Feelings