My Top 5 Posts for 2015

I decided this year I wanted to make a list and share my five top read posts. 2015 was such a wonderful year and this blog has changed and evolved over the past year in such a special way to me. I was actually surprised and pleased to see which ones you all liked. Here it is, my top five posts for 2015!

#5- Being The Other Woman

I wrote this as the woman I am looking back and reflecting on the woman I once was. It's a tribute to yesterday and learning to let go. "I use to know this woman. There were many things about her I will never forget. She lingers in my memory and once in awhile I can catch glimpses of her if I close my eyes and take a moment to drift back in time". This post is about evolving into the person you are meant to be while not forgetting where you came from. 

#4- Stronger With Every Mile

This post was a recap of my fourth Half Marathon and the second time I ran in the Vermont City Marathon as a two person team with my father. This is one of my favorite Half's I have done and this particular race was a physical and emotional challenge. It's about pushing yourself, believing in yourself and achieving your goals. 

#3- 7 Life Lessons That Running Has Taught Me 
  
Running has done more than just make me stronger and a healthier me. Running has given me life lessons that I can apply every day. It has taught me patience, discipline and gratitude. "When I began running I had no idea how it would change me. I started running to get into shape, be more fit, and live a healthier lifestyle. I never understood all the other things it would give me until some time and miles later. Running would not only physically change me, it would also become a metaphor for many things in life".

#2- Cold Weather Running: Staying Warm And Safe

Since I do not own a treadmill all my runs are done outside and through the winter. In this post I share cold weather running tips along with safety tips for running in the dark. Check it out and see some of the ways I stay safe and warm while running in the winter. 

#1- The Scar Only I Can See 

This post was personal to me as I share my feelings on the births of both my boys. My oldest son was born via emergency c-section and when I found out I was pregnant for my second son I planned and was passionate about a VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean). In the end both my children decided they had other plans for their birth. This post shares the struggle of my feelings not to have had been able to experience a vaginal birth. 

Thank you everyone who takes time to read my words. I appreciate and enjoy all the commenting, sharing and connecting that this blog brings. Cheers to a wonderful 2015 and here's wishing you all a year ahead filled with new journeys, love, laughter, good health and happiness!

The Scar Only I Can See

I have a scar on my left wrist I received when I was a little girl. I got it sliding down an icy hill in the winter. I was on my blow-up inner tube sledding down a hill and I hit a bump, went flying in the air, and slid on the ground. It wasn’t a soft snow. It was icy, hard and slippery. Somehow I managed to scrape my wrist and years later have the scar to remind me. There’s a scar above my right eyebrow where I had my eyebrow pierced in my early twenties. Then there is the scar that only I can see. I see it every day. It is my scar from my cesarean sections I had for both my boys.

I always enjoyed hearing other women’s birth stories while I was pregnant. It was intriguing to me to hear other women’s experiences. I would wonder how mine would be and was anxious to experience my own story. Labor with my first son Chase was a crazy ride, my own personal roller coaster. I labored for 17 hours before I was whisked away to the operating room for my emergency c-section. I was not prepared for any of it. He was not tolerating labor. Chase’s heart rate was continuing to drop and they needed to get him out fast.

It was traumatic for me. The moments before my partner, Jason, joined me in the operating room felt like hours. I was terrified. I felt like I was in my own personal nightmare. There were nurses scurrying around, bright lights shining down on me, and I could hear the doctors talking in tongues I did not understand. I wasn’t supposed to be lying on this operating table. I was supposed to be in that tub birthing my baby the way I envisioned him to come. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen.

I cried throughout the surgery. Eventually Jason was brought to be by my side. He was strong for me and I admired him for this. He watched the entire time so he could see our son when they pulled him out. Every second waiting for him felt like an eternity. I wondered if he was going to be okay. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. I needed to see my son. Then, there he was. Chase was born at 10:48am on a cold January morning. He was stable and healthy when they assessed him. He just had other plans for his entrance into the world.

It was difficult for me that I had to have a c-section. I cried for weeks. It was as though something truly valuable to me had been stolen. I would never get it back. People around me kept reminding me of the fact that I had a healthy baby and that is what matters. I agreed with that. I knew how fortunate I was to have this amazing, beautiful, healthy creature to call my own.  I knew some women never get to hold their babies in their arms. Others never get to have a child at all. For this I am blessed. I knew it then, I know it now.

It is my story though and it was not how I wanted it to be. I wanted to say how beautiful it was. How amazing that first moment was when I saw my child. Instead, it was one of the scariest things I had been through. My first moments were spent lying on my back feeling so drugged from my epidural that I was afraid to hold my own baby because I didn’t have the strength.

When I was pregnant with Wesley I was passionate about having a Vaginal Birth after Cesarean  (VBAC). My doctors and midwives told me that since it was my baby that wasn’t tolerating the labor and nothing to do with me, that we could try for a VBAC. I was very supported. I had a wonderful pregnancy with Wesley. I even ran throughout my pregnancy. I felt amazing in a way I had not while pregnant with Chase.


Then it was time for Wesley to come. It wasn’t easy anymore! I had started laboring but my body was not making process. We ended up doing an ultrasound and finding out he had flipped, he was now facing upward; “sunny side up”. I had the option to go straight to c-section or continue on. I was determined that I was going to VBAC. I would wait agonizing hours to have him come the way I planned.

As many of you know, you cannot plan these things! Almost identical to Chase, Wesley could not tolerate labor. Once again I was wheeled into that same operating room where I had Chase. At 6:45pm on a Wednesday evening, during a red sunset sky, Wesley made his arrival via c-section. Just like his brother.

We are done having children. There will be no more labors. I will be honest, over a year later I still harbor this sadness that I had another c section. Just the other day I read a birth story that was how I envisioned mine to be and I cried. Tears burned my cheeks. I envied this woman. I can’t change my stories and the scar I bear will always be with me. It is mine. Maybe someday I will be able to look at it and not feel the sting left behind. In moments when I feel the sadness I look at my two boys and feel overwhelmed by love and joy.

April is Cesarean Awareness Month

Post originally written and shared for VT Mommies in the fall of 2014.