Sitting in the Pasenger Seat: Letting Dad be Dad

For almost four years it has been me who has put my oldest son, Chase, to bed each night. When the second son, Wesley, came along it was the intent that daddy would put Chase to bed and I would tend to the baby. A year later I was still assuming my mommy duties with Chase. He still insisted I put him to bed each night. Some of these nights included some screaming and crying...a little from him and from me. I would find myself sitting on the edge of his bed, rubbing his back, while nursing Wesley. It was either this or listen to blood curdling cries for "mommy" while I laid in bed and attempted to ignore the pain inside me from the sound of my son's voice. It would make me sad not to be by his side. I would find a way to get him to bed. I became a master at juggling around bedtime.

Then a switch went off in the middle of November. Jason, otherwise known as daddy, had just got back from being gone on a hunting trip for eight days. This is something he does each year yet now that Chase is almost four it was the first year that he was affected by him not being around. He missed his daddy. There was even a day he just started crying. I could feel my heart shattering at the sight of his little face crying. I just hate seeing my children cry.

Finally daddy came home from his trip and Chase was ecstatic. Jay and I wondered how the bedtime routine would go. Mommy had gone soft and allowed both boys to be in bed with me the entire time Jay was gone. We joked that since Jay was the one who left, he would be the one to put Chase to sleep in his bed again. That first night we braced ourselves for screaming, crying, and flailing body parts. Much to our our surprise it was the complete opposite. Instead as I waited in bed snuggled in with Wesley, I heard giggling and the sound of Jay telling Chase a story. A half hour later Jason emerged from Chase's room to report that he was sleeping. It was a miracle in our eyes.

This pattern has continued through the month of November into December. Most nights, not all, Jay has been the one to put Chase to bed. It was as if someone flipped a switch. There are still some nights we get the occasional crying for mommy to put him to bed. There are also some nights which it takes daddy a long time to get Chase to bed resulting in "chasing" him (we named him appropriately!) as he tries to run into our bed to get to me. Finally, after the chasing, more milk, more food, and another story...Chase is asleep.

Here's the thing I must admit: I miss putting him to bed. There it is, I said it! Even though juggling both boys can be exhausting, I like the moments that bedtime can bring. I believe it is important that daddy share in these roles as a parent. Chase is fortunate to have a father who takes part in his life. I am fortunate to have a partner to share parenting with. Though there are times I feel like co parenting is like being a passenger in a moving vehicle. I would rather be the driver than sit in the passenger seat. It is the same with parenting. Sometimes I find myself cringing as though I am afraid we are going to go head on in traffic. I have to stop myself from interfering or mediating a certain situation. I am learning how to let dad, be dad.

Just like Wonder Woman would have done for Superman, I need to empower Jason and let him share in the parenting duties. I need him to empower me in my parenting role. It's not me against him. It is us, side by side, doing this crazy thing called parenting together. It is supporting one another, cheering the other on, and letting the other one make their own mistakes. We are doing this as a team. Raising children isn't for wussies!

Laughing away the Chaos

There are several things I love about my day with my children. Then there are some things that I dislike about my day. I could probably go on a good rant right here but will just focus on one of them for now. Let's talk about a dislike. It's called: Bedtime.

Many of you know that putting a toddler to sleep isn't as easy as tucking them in, kissing them, and walking out the door. Nope, they decide that they will try to take us down even in those last moments they are awake. Suddenly the child who just had snack is hungry again. God forbid you don't feed your child something else before they close their eyes! Then of coarse they are thirsty. Have to wash down that snack you know. Bed time story? Of coarse! My pleasure. I love books and really do enjoy reading to my children. But 3 books! What's worse is when he picks them out. By this point it has been a half hour. At least. Possibly more.

Time for lights out! You start to get excited. It's almost time to have some "me" time! You have been waiting for this all day! Not that you don't love your children, you just also want to remain sane. I shut the light off and sit next to him because it is ritual to rub his back at bedtime. This is something we have done since he was just months old.

Wait one second, I need to back up. Did you know that bedtime means only mommy can put you asleep? Really, apparently the memo reads something like: I don't care if my baby brother needs to be nursed, it is mommy's job to put me to bed. Yeah, I know, just let dad do it. But have you heard my toddler scream and cry for me when I don't put him to bed?!

Back to the back rub. I snug him in and rub his back. His eyes are closed, breathing is heavier. I quietly lift myself off his bed and sneak out. I go and take my vitamins, wash my face, and get in bed to finally nurse his brother who by this point is in tears because he just wants to eat! Then suddenly I hear scampering and a high pitched laugh as the toddler comes running into my room. Funny thing though, I am NOT laughing. Neither is dad. Things get ugly right about here. Dad tries to put him to sleep while I nurse and hear the cries from him in the back ground. The sobbing: "I want mommy". I finish nursing, sneak out of bed trying not to wake the babe, then have to go tuck him in one more time. If I am lucky we don't have to do this again. Like I said: If I am lucky.

Not "every" night is like this. Some nights bedtime miraculously happens without an issue.

This past Friday night bedtime was perfect. It was happy. I was given a "moment".

I tucked Chase into bed. Turned off the light then resumed my position next to him on the bed. He looked at me and said: "Snuggle Me". I squeezed myself in between him and the wall (he always makes me take the inside if we snuggle) and wrapped my arms around him. Mind you he still is in a toddler bed, there is not a lot of room.We kissed good night and said our nightly "I love you". We have this special thing we say to one another. It goes like this:

I love you to the moon and back. 
Around the Sun.
Up the River.
Down the stream
To your heart.

After that I said okay, time to close your eyes. Chase tells me I have to close my eyes too. So I did. And he did. I decide to peak to see if he really had them closed. He was peaking to see if I had mine closed. We both catch one another in the act and erupt into laughter. Belly laughs. His giggle was healing, happy, and erased all the chaos from my day.

Imagine that, it even happened at bedtime!

These are the moments that bring me back to why I wanted to be a mom. The moments that sometime get washed away by the tears, screams and whining of the day. They are always there. We are given them, sometimes we just need to let go and allow them to happen. Laughter, it truly is a blessed thing.


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