Back To The Bus Stop

Last year at this time I was full of emotion as we prepared to send Chase off to Preschool for the first time. He was three and a half and insisted on taking the bus the short half mile to school. I wanted him to be eager, to be brave and to begin his new journey with excitement. Though a part of me felt anxiety about putting this little human being on a bus I still followed through. I won't forget the look on his face as he walked up those bus steps for the first time. He paused to look back at me, a half smile on his face that was shadowed with a slight look of worry. He turned around as I watched him be guided into a bus seat for the very first time. He looked out his window and I waved to him while clutching his brother to me choking back the sobs I knew would rise as soon as that bus drove away. I wouldn't let him see me cry! Then the bus was pulling away from our house and there was the salty tears painting my face as I walked to the front porch to sit in the rocking chair and cry like a baby. His poor brother looking at me quizzically, wondering what the hell was wrong with mama.

Here we are a year later and soon I will be putting him back on that same school bus. I can say that this year there will be no tears. He gets to go one more day this year ( which makes three afternoons a week! Can you tell the excitement in my typing!) and I am just as elated as he is. Don't get me wrong, I love that boy! As summer comes to a close I know that we both need him to go back to school. We have had several "adventures", a trip to Maine, plenty of beach days, park visits, hikes, and digging in the dirt until he is covered from head to toe.

I also have lost my mind several times over screaming, crying, and repeated fighting. My four and a half year old has seemed to turn into a fourteen year old in the past year. He talks back, sasses, and just the other night he called me a word I won't repeat since apparently he learned it from me. (Fine, you win! He called me a "dick"). Given that last detail I know what he needs is to be around other children and stimulated by someone other than me. Apparently mama is lacking in her verbal skills.

The count down begins. Just a couple of weeks and we both will be much happier. We are fortunate that he gets to go to an amazing preschool program. He is in a classroom with a couple different teachers along with a speech therapist. He gets to have active play, they do circle time, art and he is being taught age appropriate things. Once a month each child has to provide a snack for the rest of the classroom and of coarse this is Chase's favorite thing to do. The boy loves food maybe even more than his mama.

He is forming relationships and learning to bond. I love having him with me yet I know that I cannot give him these things. It is not my job to be his teacher. I am his mother. True my title means I give him a strong foundation to build from yet school is where he gets the building blocks he needs to grow. He is given the chance to learn some valuable things in life by being in a school.He gets to meet people who will be a part of the person he is becoming. He will form friendships that he may still hold onto years from now.

At school he is forced to adapt to a new surrounding. He is given structure and allowed to explore. Then at the end of the day, as I wait for the yellow bus to come drop him off, I am eager to see him. I am anxious to pry out of him what he did for the three hours he was away from me. I can't wait to see the excitement on his face and the sound of his voice as we look at the sheet that is sent home on what they did. My heart is happy and full that I have him next to me again. I am filled with pride at what a wonderful little man he is. I hug and kiss him as he swats me away.

Yes, I am eager to send him off to school again. Does that make me a bad mother? I don't believe so. I am being honest as I believe it is a healthy separation for both of us. I am ready to head to the bus stop and wait for him to walk up those stairs that won't look as big for him as they did last year. I am ready to have some one on one time with his brother. I am anxious for some quiet time where I can get some work done, read and maybe even write a little more. I can go for a run with the stroller. I can clean or exercise without fifty interruptions. Then, at the end of the night he will be so exhausted that bedtime will be sweet as cake.

Just a couple more weeks and it's back to the bus stop. YES!!!

Learning to like Preschool

It is Tuesday afternoon and the house is quiet. Wesley is on my lap nursing, I have a cup of tea I am sipping on, and the sun is shining through the windows. Chase is off to school as he goes on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.

Sending Chase to Preschool has turned into a good thing for all of us. The most important thing is that he really, truly, likes to go. On school mornings he will ask several times if it is time to get on the bus. He has said, more than once, on his days off: "When am I going to school? I miss my kids". He cracks me up.

Chase taking a break on our hike to find acorns for a school project.

Chase is a social bug like his mama. He may play shy yet after he warms up the kid just really likes to be around other kids and play. He's energetic, enthusiastic, and eager to be engaged. We just finished his 6 weeks of soccer and I am just as sad as he is that it is over. He had a knack for soccer and I see him playing for years.

When he gets home though it is near impossible to get him to tell you about his day. He is more interested in eating (if this was a subject in school he would get an A+) than sharing with his mother what he did. Thankfully he comes home each time with a paper and pictures showing what the children did each day. His school also has a Facebook page that shares what the children are doing in the classrooms. With the help of both of these I am able to facilitate some conversation about school. How great would it be to be a fly on the wall for just one day!

I had a difficult time putting Chase on the bus that first time. I felt sick to my stomach and my heart ached. I cried, my face drenched with tears as Wesley looked at me with confusion. Each time has gotten easier and I remind myself just how important this is for Chase. This is his happiness and future.

Lots of acorns!

This has also opened up afternoons for things I may not have had a lot of time for before. Wesley and I get to have some one on one time. I have been able to get some writing done. I work without being interrupted 10 times because "someone" is hungry "again". Errands are much easier to do with one child than two! I guess you could say I am learning to like Preschool too.

His Fantastic Journey

It is as if I blinked and suddenly I am where I am. I look around at my life and feel so filled with love and blessed for everything I have. My greatest gifts are my children. It seems like only yesterday when I first held Chase in my arms. This tiny little person that I had no idea how much I would fall in love with. Words can not even describe the emotions I have for my boys. I try to find those words but the feelings are so amazing I am not sure that those words have been created just yet.

Here we are, a little over 3 1/2 years later. Chase had his first soccer game last night. He was excited, and possibly I was even more excited than he was. I was curious and nervous at the same time. Would he like it? Would he engage the other children or would he stand on the side lines? Would he listen to his coaches?

He did all of that. He loved it. His face was priceless. Red and sweaty with a big smile on his face. He was great with the other kids and immediately picked another boy to tag along with and mimic. He played with the others, took redirection from his coaches, and didn't seem to notice I was there.

Chase will be starting preschool 2 afternoons a week starting in a week and a half. I am a bit terrified about this. I have always said one of the hardest things I ever done was send my child to daycare. It was such a gut wrenching act to me. I hated leaving my child. If you read this blog at all you now know I hate leaving my children period. Now with school approaching I am starting to feel the same way. Last night watching him at soccer helped to ease some of that. I know it is important for him. School will teach him skills that I can't. I believe in structure and he right now needs that. He wants to go! That makes me happy.

I am excited for all these new changes for him. His own fantastic journey he gets to create for himself. I have to remember it is not about me. I know I will be a blubbering mess when he gets on that bus yet will attempt to not loose it until he has driven off. I want him to keep the excitement and be proud of himself.

That is exactly what I felt watching him last night. Pride. I am thankful he picked me to be his mama! There are moments I wish I could hit a rewind button yet know this is the beginning of many incredible moments we get to share together.