Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Battle between my body and my baby

I have always been passionate about nursing. Nursing both my children was important to me. I knew I always I wanted to be able to do this for my children. I had a rough go at it in the beginning with my first son, Chase, due to my milk not coming in for eight days post c-section. I was determined and stuck with it and happily, successfully, nursed him for 18 months. My second born, Wesley, is now 16 months and we are still nursing. With Chase it was first a goal of 6 months, then 12 months, and then finally I decided I wanted to wean him at 18 months. I knew before Wesley was born that my goal would be to nurse him until he was two, unless of coarse he weaned himself before this.

All smiles!

Breastfeeding to me is a magical thing. I feel fortunate that I have been able to do this for my children. I will never regret this decision. With that being said there are some moments these days where I just want my body back! There, I said it! It's my body! I created, carried and birthed two amazing little creatures with this vessel. The body is an amazing thing. The fact that I can make milk is mind blowing to me. Honestly, I am exhausted!

I don't want to sound like I am bitching or taking it for granted. I still do love nursing. Lately, these days and nights though, Wesley has been a little excessive in wanting to nurse. It's not like he is this tiny, little six pounds, eight ounce baby anymore. I now have a toddler who is nursing just as much as he did when I brought him home. Sleeping is almost non existent these days. I find myself getting frustrated because I just want to fucking sleep! Isn't that a simple request?!

Taken at Wesley's One year photo shoot

I feel like a human pacifier most of the time. He falls, he wants to nurse. It's nap time, he wants to nurse. He wakes up, he wants to nurse. He's bored, he wants to nurse. I feel little hands grabbing at me, pulling on my shirt. I look down and see tears rolling down his cheek as he screeches. I do say no some days, but most of the time I give in.

Yes, nursing gives me fabulous boobs. Right now they are just perfect. I should probably take a picture because soon enough they will be wilted and hanging to my knees. My body has been tackled by the changes brought on by motherhood. I have extra skin where I don't want it. A large scar "commemorating" the birth of both my boys. My hair is thin from massive amounts of hair that has fallen out. Soon the ladies will be right behind all of it...dragging!

This is the battle between my body and my baby. I want to give my child this incredible gift, yet I also want my body back. No, I do not want to wean him. Some of you might be reading this thinking that it would be the simple solution. I still want to nurse him and it is far from simple. I know I will miss these days, he is my last baby. There will be no more holding my children in my arms and nursing them to sleep. I tell myself these frustrating moments will soon be memories I will be yearning to get back. I do not want to feel selfish or ungrateful. I chose to nurse my children for them, not me.

When my child wants to be next to me, when those little hands are grabbing at me, or when my son wants my attention, this is exactly what I must always remember: It is all about them, not me. I know it is important to still do things for myself, to grow in my own personal way. For me, it is also important to remember why I chose to nurse in the first place. It's pretty evident, the baby wins this battle.


  1. I've discovered the trick of maintaining post-nursing boobs. Just keep your arms up in the air....always....

  2. At 2.5 Jax still nurses like a newborn some days. It seems like if I sit down, he's instantly drawn to my boob! I feel the same struggle between letting him choose when he's ready, and taking back my body. I'm also convinced that I'm not able to lose weight, at least partially because I'm still nursing. It makes me feel better to think that anyway. XO

  3. It is easy for "us" to say "just cut him off, take your body back, he's gained enough benefit". However, as the mom of 3 not so little ones - I can guarantee that everything is just a season and time really does fly so fast. I nursed all 3 of my kids. I was a very young mom with my older 2. I stopped nursing my oldest at 10 months because I didn't know if she was getting enough and needed the visual of seeing how much she was getting. I regret that. I stopped nursing my son at 5 months, because I needed to get a job and help pay the bills. My job lasted just long enough for my milk to dry up. :-( I regret that. When I found out that I was pregnant (much later in life than I care to admit), I was determined to nurse her until she was 2 and then see how I was feeling and how she was doing. I made it to 22 months and then I went through some major medical issues that made it necessary for me to stop. I don't regret that decision so much, but I do want to stress that time passes very quickly and you can't change your mind back. Do you what you feel is right for both of you right now and feel free to bitch. It's your blog!

    1. I appreciate your words Dawn. Time does go by too fast. I plan to stick with it until he is two. Some nights it is just exhausting. Yet I feel so fortunate to have nursed both my boys and I truly love nursing. I know my heart will be heavy when there are no more babies in this house to nurse,

  4. I have nursed both of my kids. The youngest one is now two years old. I remember many nights where I had to wake up every few hours because my little darling wanted to nurse. It was very frustrating, but it was my choice to breast feed in the first place. Now that she is no longer breast feeding, I sometimes find myself longing for that time to come again.

    Candace Hudson @ MedCare Pediatric

    1. Thank you for your words Candace. I wrote this post almost a year ago and now it has been three months since I have nursed my youngest. I made it two years with him, my goal. Now there are no more babies for me and I do miss it and the closeness. I feel so blessed that I was fortunate to nurse both my boys.