I use to know this woman. There were many things about her I will never forget. She lingers in my memory and once in awhile I can catch glimpses of her if I close my eyes and take a moment to drift back in time.
She was feisty and vivacious. When she laughed the whole room could hear her. She was a bit on the wild side. She liked to party, to drink, to dance into the early hours of the morning. It was knee high boots, lipstick, and perfume.
As I talk about her now I see her spending money frivolously as she sits at the bar with a drink in her hand. It is only her. Sometimes there is a man but he never stays for that long. She cannot seem to get it right. Dating for her is like a train wreck. She is constantly derailing and losing herself more along the way. She thinks that she is happy. She does not yet know what happiness is.
My eyes fill with tears for her and I blink them away and smile. She just wasn’t ready. She needed to let life happen. There were mistakes to be made. Lessons to be learned. She needed to grow. To be able to love herself before life could give her the greatest gifts of all.
Fast forward a bit. I can tell you now that this woman is no longer there. Today is she is stronger and more fierce than she ever thought she could be. She has learned to fight hard for the things that she wants. It is through her unsteady feet that she learned to find balance and stand tall. She learned what it felt like to take chances. She realized that there is a plan for her. The road ahead was paved with laughter, love and tiny miracles.
Love came walking into her life. Real love. The kind that ignites a fire in you and creates a warmth in you only felt by true love. She found companionship and loyalty. She didn't need to look for it, love found her.
Then, the most amazing thing happened; she became a mother.
This woman would learn what the real important things were in life. It didn’t always mean that she would always feel glamorous. There would be no more staying up all night because she chose to; it would be because her children kept her up all night. She wouldn’t be at a bar dancing. Dance parties would now take place in her living room with her two children bouncing right next to her. It was in these moments that she would feel more alive than she ever did. It took two little boys to change her world. They saved her.
Motherhood can be "messy". It is truly the hardest job that I have had. I am challenged each moment of every day to be the best that I can be for my children. I don’t always get to shower. It has been a long time since I have had lunch with a girlfriend or even a date with my man. I don’t get raises, or recognized as “employee of the month”. I hardly hear “thank you”. I rarely get my hair done and let's not even talk about how long it has been since my last pedicure. Some days I am exhausted and just want to get away.
All of that is so small compared to the bigger things motherhood has brought me. I am truly the happiest I have ever been. There is nothing like this love. I am consumed by it and grateful to be this woman now. This woman is blessed to wake each morning to two boys who make every second worth living. Every moment that I am given with them is a treasure.
I think about that other woman once in awhile. I haven’t forgot about her and she comes alive in me from time to time. I can see her other times when I watch my children. She is right there in them; pieces of me living on in them. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her...
Today, now, this woman; she is a the woman I was meant to be.
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