Growing up my mom stayed home and raised my brother and I while my father worked. She was always there. We were fortunate not to have to go to a babysitter or daycare. My mother was there for us morning, noon, and night.
I had always wanted the same for my children. I wanted to be there with them and raise them just as my mother did with my brother and I. When I had Chase I did go back to work. He was our first son and with a new baby, new apartment, and now new bills we both agreed I would go back to work. I decided to do four days on and three days off to make the weekends longer. At ten and a half weeks old here I was dropping my new baby off with someone else who got to watch him, hold him and see milestones that I would only see after she did.
I will say we were fortunate to have an awesome daycare provider and never once do I regret choosing her. His welfare was never a concern of mine. I envied her for the time she got to spend with my child. It didn't seem fair and it never felt right. Somewhere along the way I grew accustomed to leaving him and put myself back in work mode. It was difficult for me and my heart always felt heavy.
When we found out I was pregnant with my second son, Wesley, I knew I could not go through it again. I was not going to leave my child. After discussing it we agreed that the best thing for our family was for me to be a stay at home mom. I was elated that I would be with my children and this time around, even if Wesley was not getting a 100% of what Chase did when he was a babe (since he got the title of the second child) I would at least be there to see his milestones.
If you stay home like I do you also know that it is not easy with one income. You learn to sacrifice and say "NO" to things you didn't have to before. None of that matters to me in the end. Sure, it can suck. Which is why I work part time from home and sometimes out of the home. Every little bit counts.
You may be thinking what a luxurious life it is to be able to work from home. Well, my friends, it is not all fairies and flowers.
First of all, every time I sit down to get any work done suddenly someone is hungry. It doesn't matter if they just finished their second Pop-Tart. They need more! This annoys the shit out of me. Yes, I said it. My kids can annoy me!
Then it is time to make a phone call. Now there is screaming. Someone pushed the other. Someone got slapped. Someone took a toy away from the other. I haven't even hit send on my phone yet and chaos irrupts. They can be two rooms away and those little creatures just seem to know when I need to make a phone call. I have even had to go in my bedroom to shut the door to make phone calls. This of coarse is when I have to turn the TV on for background noise hoping the recipient of the call does not hear my eighteen month old screaming "Mama".
It is a good thing my job does not require a lot of intense mind work because some days I am down right exhausted. I have to stifle the urge to yell "Shut up" and I may have muttered "little assholes" a time or two to myself. Don't judge! You know you have thought it too!
Some days being a stay at home makes me feel like a "Mom-ster" I can feel my blood boil and I swear I have seen fire come out of my mouth a time or two. I am in toddler land these days and both boys have a fabulous way of pushing my buttons. How in the world do they know how to do this?! They have secret powers and I am not sure if I am jealous or down right pissed off about it!
It has been a long winter so I am hoping some fresh air and sunshine will bring some calm to our house. Monday I made sure to take a couple hours in between working to get the little monsters outside and run them. If you don't have children you might have a dog? Having toddlers is very similar to having puppies; you have to exercise them or else your house may get destroyed. True story.
With that being said I would like to extend an apology to my neighbors now that spring is upon us. I know you all are eager to open your windows and get fresh air, listen to the birds chirping and finally see some sunshine. Well along with that you may also hear the "Mom-ster" from time to time. She has a way of coming out at the most unpredictable times. Don't be scared, she usually calms down right around the time her kids go to bed. If you want to help her out offer her a beer or a glass of wine.
At the end of any day, crazy or calm, I wouldn't trade being home with them for anything! It is not easy, it is not always fun. This is my life and I love it. Every bit of chaos, every bit of mayhem, I would not trade any of it. I am not the perfect mom. Lord knows I am not going to win any awards this year. All I can do is try each day to be a little bit better than the day before. I do try, I will always try. Maybe one day I will get this thing right.