No One Said It Would Be Easy

When I held both my boys in my arms for the first time it was like a fire was ignited inside me. I was overwhelmed by that euphoric feeling of love and amazement of the miracles they were. Some people think that newborns are hard and are happy to fast forward to the next stage. Me, I could keep having babies and be content with the nursing, wake ups through the nights and the twenty diapers I had to change throughout a twenty four hour period. It's the stage I am in now with my almost five year old that I feel is challenging. This is not easy, and this is what they all warned me about.

My four year old, Chase, is a lot like me. Let's call that problem number one. Problem number two is he is almost five. There is eye rolling, crying for no apparent reason, screaming, foot stomping, throwing toys, not picking up toys until told for the tenth time, refusing to share with his brother, biting his brother, hitting his brother, laughing when he is reprimanded, and simply just being annoying. Yes, I did just say my child was annoying. Don't you dare tell me you haven't thought it once about your little princess or prince!

Some Most days I feel like I just can't get a handle on this mommy thing. I can keep my cool for only so long then all of a sudden it is like a balloon popping. Blood rushes to my head and suddenly I am vomiting out of my mouth with words I regret the moment they spill off my lips. I am not intending to hurt my child, it is the very last thing I would ever intentionally do. I am not perfect and being a mother is the hardest job I have ever loved. Some days I do it with grace and others I cry wondering how the fuck to do it right. More importantly, will I ever get it right?!

One moment we are doing something so amazing and fun, the next it all goes to hell. I yell, I cry, I hide away feeling incredible guilt. In those moments I feel like the worst mother! I close my eyes and say I am sorry and promise to be better and try harder. I pray to God to give me strength and forgive me. I pray to be better. I do try, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I would like to say that each day gets a little easier, that I become a better mom. Truth be told each day is different. I do try and I will continue to try but not every day does it get better. Some days it just gets worse.

It is not every moment that I am baffled at this thing called motherhood. Most, but not all. I do love being a mom, I can't imagine my life without children in it. The four year old monster boy is also very sweet. I may have painted a picture of the ideal bratty child, he is not that. What my son is reflects a typical toddler. There are so many amazing things about this child. He can talk our ears off with stories and ramblings of nothing, yet he can make them sound so alluring in his little voice. He is a wonderful helper, always eager to do something for mama, daddy or his grandparents. He is artistic, the boy loves to play with paint and create a project. He is adventurous and curious, he loves a good walk in the woods.  He is has an electrifying energy that I envy. At the end of the day, no matter how awesome or ugly it has been, he always wants to cuddle.

I seem to have been struggling the past couple of weeks. Parenting surely has its ebbs and flows to it as we all know. A few months ago we had a rough spot and I was feeling out of control with my own feelings and most days down right helpless. I was angry at myself for my reactions and shitty parenting skills. No mother wants to harbor feelings of guilt and shame.

So of coarse when my husband went away for a weekend this summer and I was home alone with the kids  I found myself getting lost in the wonderful and evil world of Facebook. I came across this ad for a free seminar on parenting. It came with promises of helping you learn to stop yelling and be a better parent. With a few beers in me this seemed to be screaming my name. So why the hell not right?! I signed up and the next night I was going to be on my way to being a better mom.

The next night I sat at my computer eager and ready for the live webinar. I had my pen and paper out to take notes and was even a little nervous. I felt like I was right back in high school taking that important test that would allow me to graduate if I passed. This webinar had a live chat feed so you could see all the comments from other parents who think they too suck at this parenting thing. I was suddenly in a sea of other moms who were desperate to change their ways and be a better mom. There were several "I do that's" followed by "I am crying right now". I never participated in the conversation but truth be told, I was crying too. Nothing like a live webinar to make you feel even shittier than you already do!

After the webinar I attempted to use the strategies suggested and make some changes. It wasn't long before I realized that it was just like high school, I was again failing the exam. I was envious of this woman who promised to help all us moms parent better and without yelling. I was also pissed off that she could successfully do it. Oh, and for a small fortune you could sign up to get regular advice to help you be successful at parenting just like she was. This pisses me off to be honest. We are surrounded by parenting books and those who are "qualified" to tell you what you are doing wrong and how you can fix it. To me each family is different, each child is unique, and no one should be allowed to judge or throw stones at how one parents unless they are causing harm to a child. I am not saying that some parenting books do not contain some useful information, what I am saying is no one can say they are an expert at parenting someones child. Sometimes we are looking too hard at the big picture. We can always try harder yet are our expectations unreasonable? Maybe it is that we expect too much from ourselves.

This is part of my problem, I envision a mother I thought I would be rather than accepting the mother that I am. I am not the best mom, nor am I the worst one. I am the mom God gave me for these children. No matter how bad of a day I have had one thing will always be certain when I close my eyes at night, I wouldn't change one thing about my life. I wouldn't trade a moment of what I have been given. I struggle, just as many of us do, and that only will make me better and stronger. I am a mother to two amazing creatures, for this I am blessed.

I want my children to grow up and always know that I love them. More importantly, I want them to feel my love. I am not perfect, but I am trying and will never stop trying. My children may drive me absolutely batty at times, I may swear under my breath and occasionally yell a little too loud, but my love for them is the truest and most honest thing that I have to give them.

This parenting thing is hard. It can down right suck the very life out of you some days. It is also the most amazing ride I have ever been on. There are bumps and roadblocks. Mountains to climb and waters to swim through...but the destination is all the same. No one said it would be easy. But it is sure damn well worth it!

Being a Stay At Home "Mom-ster"

Growing up my mom stayed home and raised my brother and I while my father worked. She was always there. We were fortunate not to have to go to a babysitter or daycare. My mother was there for us morning, noon, and night.

I had always wanted the same for my children. I wanted to be there with them and raise them just as my mother did with my brother and I. When I had Chase I did go back to work. He was our first son and with a new baby, new apartment, and now new bills we both agreed I would go back to work. I decided to do four days on and three days off to make the weekends longer. At ten and a half weeks old here I was dropping my new baby off with someone else who got to watch him, hold him and see milestones that I would only see after she did.

I will say we were fortunate to have an awesome daycare provider and never once do I regret choosing her. His welfare was never a concern of mine. I envied her for the time she got to spend with my child. It didn't seem fair and it never felt right. Somewhere along the way I grew accustomed to leaving him and put myself back in work mode. It was difficult for me and my heart always felt heavy.

When we found out I was pregnant with my second son, Wesley, I knew I could not go through it again. I was not going to leave my child. After discussing it we agreed that the best thing for our family was for me to be a stay at home mom. I was elated that I would be with my children and this time around, even if Wesley was not getting a 100% of what Chase did when he was a babe (since he got the title of the second child) I would at least be there to see his milestones.

If you stay home like I do you also know that it is not easy with one income. You learn to sacrifice and say "NO" to things you didn't have to before. None of that matters to me in the end. Sure, it can suck. Which is why I work part time from home and sometimes out of the home. Every little bit counts.

You may be thinking what a luxurious life it is to be able to work from home. Well, my friends, it is not all fairies and flowers.

First of all, every time I sit down to get any work done suddenly someone is hungry. It doesn't matter if they just finished their second Pop-Tart. They need more! This annoys the shit out of me. Yes, I said it. My kids can annoy me!

Then it is time to make a phone call. Now there is screaming. Someone pushed the other. Someone got slapped. Someone took a toy away from the other. I haven't even hit send on my phone yet and chaos irrupts. They can be two rooms away and those little creatures just seem to know when I need to make a phone call. I have even had to go in my bedroom to shut the door to make phone calls. This of coarse is when I have to turn the TV on for background noise hoping the recipient of the call does not hear my eighteen month old screaming "Mama".

It is a good thing my job does not require a lot of intense mind work because some days I am down right exhausted. I have to stifle the urge to yell "Shut up" and I may have muttered "little assholes" a time or two to myself. Don't judge! You know you have thought it too!

Some days being a stay at home makes me feel like a "Mom-ster" I can feel my blood boil and I swear I have seen fire come out of my mouth a time or two. I am in toddler land these days and both boys have a fabulous way of pushing my buttons. How in the world do they know how to do this?! They have secret powers and I am not sure if I am jealous or down right pissed off about it!

It has been a long winter so I am hoping some fresh air and sunshine will bring some calm to our house. Monday I made sure to take a couple hours in between working to get the little monsters outside and run them. If you don't have children you might have a dog? Having toddlers is very similar to having puppies; you have to exercise them or else your house may get destroyed. True story.

With that being said I would like to extend an apology to my neighbors now that spring is upon us. I know you all are eager to open your windows and get fresh air, listen to the birds chirping and finally see some sunshine. Well along with that you may also hear the "Mom-ster" from time to time. She has a way of coming out at the most unpredictable times. Don't be scared, she usually calms down right around the time her kids go to bed. If you want to help her out offer her a beer or a glass of wine.

At the end of any day, crazy or calm, I wouldn't trade being home with them for anything! It is not easy, it is not always fun. This is my life and I love it. Every bit of chaos, every bit of mayhem, I would not trade any of it. I am not the perfect mom. Lord knows I am not going to win any awards this year. All I can do is try each day to be a little bit better than the day before. I do try, I will always try. Maybe one day I will get this thing right.