A Letter To My Five Year Old

I was not expecting you when you decided to come into my life. There was an overwhelming feeling of excitement, joy and intense love when I knew you were coming. I loved you from that very first moment. To be honest, I have loved you even longer than that. I felt as though I had known you for a lifetime and dreamed of you for several years. I tried to picture your face and imagine your features. I was already wondering who you would grow up to be. You are a prayer that was answered. You saved me in ways that I may never be able to explain to you. I don't need to though because I feel you already knew that when you chose me. You taught me how to love in the most unselfish, unconditional, and intense way and I thank you for that.

On January 18th, 2011 you came crashing into our lives. You didn't make things easy my love. None of that mattered in the end... I had YOU! From that very first moment that you came into this world you made sure that everyone knew you were here. Just as today your presence in a room cannot go unnoticed. You have this glow about you that radiates. It's in your smile and seen in your eyes. 

You have a way about you that makes me so proud. You are compassionate, sweet and wise. You are kind and thoughtful in such an honest way. I adore the love you have for your brother. You are protective of him and your bond with him is genuine. Watching the two of you together brings me such joy.

You are also one of the funniest people I have ever met. You make me laugh, really laugh! The kind of laughter that makes me snort and tears roll down my face. You have an incredible imagination and know how to tell a good story. I can't help but laugh at the pranks you pull on your father. You love to sing, dance and make believe.

Photo Taken By Wild Clover Photography

You have made me the woman I am. I am an entirely different person than I was before you. You have shown me parts of myself that I never knew, both good and bad. When I look at you I may see your father, yet you are so much like me it astounds me some days. I believe you and I will always be close. I can imagine years from now sitting on your bed with you discussing sports or one of the many girls that will break your heart. Always remember sweet boy, I will always be there.

I will be there when the world feels too heavy on your shoulders. I will be right there when your heart aches. I will protect you in any way I can from the pain of the world. When it all seems like too much, remember that you can always come back to me. My arms are your home, I will always be there to hold you. I promise you that you will always be able to feel my love. It is not easy growing up and life throws us curve balls from time to time, you my love, you will never walk alone. I will be right by your side pushing you through. I will always believe in you and support you.

Taken By Moonshine Designs and Photography

You are strong, determined and full of will power. You are capable of anything! Be brave and bold. Do not let anyone ever tell you that you cannot do something. You my love, you can do anything! This is your life, live it adventurously.

Remember that you are never too old for a good belly laugh. Hold onto that humor you have and sprinkle it around for everyone. Laughter is healing, it brings happiness, and is good for our soul. 

I wish you a year ahead filled with amazing adventures, discoveries, and happiness. Thank You Chase for choosing me to be your mother. Five amazing years have flown by, I only wish I could freeze time. I cannot wait to see what the next five, ten, fifteen and beyond bring to you. 

Happy FIFTH Birthday Bubba! Just so you know, not only are you my favorite person, you are also my Super Hero! 

Love,
Mama
xoxo

The Day I Hurt My Son's Feelings

As mothers we do our best to try and protect our children. We give them love, nurture them, and help them thrive. We do everything in our power to shield our children from sadness and pain. Each time either one of my toddlers gets hurt they run to me to make things better. Whether there is blood or the optical illusion of it, my children want my arms around them to make them feel better. That is until I am the one who causes the pain. The other day I hurt my son’s feelings and a piece of my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

The four year old, Chase, was upset with his one and a half year old brother,Wesley, for whatever reason; a toy was taken away, he had something the four year old wanted, or merely the simple fact the he was even born. It is usually one of those three things that sets things off. Chase decided it would be a good idea to push his little brother over. This of course resulting in big crocodile tears from the little guy and mama bear suddenly had her claws out.

I can tolerate a good amount from my son before I spontaneously com-bust. What I do not tolerate in my house is being mean. I do understand that pushing, wrestling, and fighting is what siblings do. Yet I also feel it is important to correct behaviors that may cause harm. It wouldn’t be the first time the baby “fell” into the door. As I tell Chase, mama sees everything!

I reacted this particular day before taking a moment to think. I yelled at Chase, most likely roaring like a mama bear would do, and grabbed him to put him in a time out. Now it wasn’t just Wesley that was crying but Chase, and deep down I had to stifle back my crying. I was frustrated and angry at Chase for his behavior and in that first moment I wanted him to know it.

After the storm had settled in the house I went to Chase so we could talk about what happened. I try be sure we always discuss why he received his time out now that he is getting old enough to understand what feelings are and how our actions affect others. I told him that what he did made me sad. I asked him how he would feel if someone treated him the way he treated his brother. After the conversation life went back to normal. That is until Chase said something to me that made me feel like I had gotten slapped in the face:

Chase: “Mama, I made you sad?”

Me: "Yes, I am disappointed in you. I don’t like when you treat your brother like that. It hurts my feelings.”

Chase: “Well, I am sad too. You hurt my feelings too when you yelled at me.”

There it was. I hurt his feelings. Me, mama, I made him sad. Yes, he is four. Yes, he can manipulate. Yes, it is my job to set limits and discipline him. I believe in limits and boundaries for children. But "this" moment, "those" words, I knew they were real. It doesn't matter how it happened, it is that it happened at all. I was the one to hurt my son. Even worse, is when I realized that this would not be last time it happens.

I  have to remember that as his mother I need to teach him. In some of those tough moments there will be times that feelings will get hurt. What I would like to take from this is that maybe in the times that I feel like I am ready to "roar", that I take a moment to stop and wait before I respond. I don't want to regret my actions due to reacting too quickly. Much easier said than done and I already know this is something that I have to work on. 

I know that there will be several moments to come that will be challenging for our relationship. There will be stages and ages which will be harder than others. We will grow close, and there will be times in which we fall apart. Any relationship takes work, effort, love and strength. I know that as his mother I will always have to apply all of these things to our relationship.

Perhaps this is about forgiveness. Him forgiving me, me forgiving him, and possibly the most difficult: me forgiving myself.


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Bye Bye Hydronephrosis!

It was a Friday afternoon late in the day. I was 21 weeks pregnant to the day and we were having our ultrasound to make sure our baby was healthy. We had decided this time around not to find out the sex. I was anxious to see my baby. I had started to feel movement around 16 weeks this time around and I wanted to put my eyes on this babe who I had already fallen so in love with.

The ultrasound immediately started out with a somber feeling. The doctor picked up on the kidneys looking abnormally enlarged to her. She said we would do the complete scan then go back to it. Everything else looked great. Baby was growing well. Heart and other major organs looked normal. Yet we still came back to the kidneys. The appointment ended with me standing in the room sobbing because we were getting referred to University Of Vermont Medical Center for a second opinion.

No, this couldn't be happening. What is wrong with my baby?! The worst is the waiting game. Here it was Friday around 5PM which meant we had to wait until Monday to hear from the hospital regarding when we could get in with them. Little did I realize that this would all result in requiring a lot of patience. I kept replaying in my mind the entire appointment and the words from the doctor; they were like tiny daggers into my heart.

It was a long weekend. I cried. A LOT! In reality it didn't matter what exactly was wrong. This was my baby. I was going to love this creature and take care of it no matter what! God had blessed me with this child and all I wanted was to be able to know everything was going to be alright. I would do whatever I needed to for this baby! As any parent, I wanted answers.

That following Monday they called and got us right in that afternoon. It was confirmed that my baby had enlarged kidneys. The left kidney was more enlarged than the right. But why? What was wrong with my baby? Still, no answers. They said it could be a few different things and we would have to monitor. The next ultrasound would be 7 weeks later. A very long 7 weeks.

28 weeks pregnant and  back we went. This time US (ultrasound) showed us that the right kidney looked good but the left kidney had more fluid.

Diagnosis: Congenital Hydronephrosis. Hydronephrosis is water inside the kidneys. The cause: UPJ obstruction. WTF is a UPJ?! Pretty  much what I was thinking as we were sat down in a small room after the US. My head was spinning.

UPJ: Ureteropelvic Junction Obstruction. What happens is the ureter where the pelvis and kidney meet gets obstructed. The kidneys job is to filter blood and remove waste sending it down the ureter. My baby's ureter was too narrow, causing fluid to go in yet taking longer to come out backing up in the left kidney. The cause, that is unknown.

Here are a few things that I have learned:

* Kidney abnormalities with babies are very common on ultrasound ( I was reminded of this often and all the doctors were positive!)
* 1 in 1,500 children are born with a UPJ
* UPJ is NOT life threatening!
* By 18 Months many cases will resolve spontaneously
* Vermont is fortunate to have a children's kidney specialist, Dr Ann Guillot, whom has been with University Of Vermont Medical Center for over 35 years

I had to have an Ultra Sound a number of times throughout the pregnancy. There was a chance it would resolve on it's own before the baby made it's arrival. How I prayed for this to be the case for our child.

After our baby was born, Wesley as we now know him, had to have an US before leaving the hospital. How the condition is handled is different with boys & girls. The US was completed and we were told that it had resolved. This was probably one of the most happy moments (next to him being born of coarse) that I had ever had. They said they would just US him again at 1 month just to "be sure".      

We went back at 1 month, to the day, and we were told that it had not resolved. The left kidney did still have more fluid. I can't even put into words how I felt with that news. Here we go again back on the roller coaster ride of more questions, not knowing, and having to wait. 

We repeated the ultra sound at 3 months. Then again Tuesday morning.

Tuesday morning I was given the great news that the fluid had "decreased greatly" and Dr Guillot believed that we did not have to take any action (surgery). We will recheck at 2 years (14 months from now) and hopefully at that time it will be resolved.

EXHALE!

I realize that I am beyond fortunate to have a healthy child. That there are families that battle things much bigger than this. This is my child though and I as a mother could not help but to worry. I spent many sleepless nights before Wesley arrived, and even after, wondering what this would all mean for him. I will never be able to put into words all the things that I felt. I knew it was not life threatening, for that I was/am blessed.  Mama bear's instinct is to protect her child. To keep the child safe. I think what it comes down to is that no one wants to see their child in pain. No parent wants to put their child through tests and surgeries. No parent wants to sit back and feel helpless. We want to protect our children. We want them healthy. I am beyond thankful that Wesley is a healthy boy. I will never take that for granted. I know that each day is a gift, just as he is.

I just love this face!

“Those blessings are sweetest that are won with prayer and worn with thanks.”~Thomas Goodwin


January 6TH, 2016

Yesterday we had our follow up and FINAL ultrasound on Wesley's Kidney's. We are elated to report that his condition is considered resolved! Dr Guillot states that his left kidney has a "slight" dilation compared to the right yet she suspects that it will always be there and is insignificant. Both of Wesley's kidneys are healthy and functioning as they should. It is such a relief to finally finish this chapter in our lives. We are truly grateful and blessed!

Final Visit at The Children's Specialty Center!!!