Letting My Son See Me Cry

There are a lot of things that I want to be to my children. How my children see me is important. I want my children to look at me and see a strong woman. I want them to know that I am a fighter. I want them to look at me and be proud. I want them to see a woman who goes after what she wants and is passionate about life. I want my boys to see their mother as determined. I want them to know I will do whatever it takes to make them happy. I do not ever want my children to think I am a sad person. Letting my boys see me cry is something I struggle with.

I strongly believe in expressing feelings and encouraging our children to do the same. There is nothing wrong with crying and I want both my boys to know that. I want them to be able to feel. To allow themselves to express themselves when they are happy or sad. I always tell my four year old, Chase, that it is okay to cry. I don't want my children feeling shamed for their feelings. I want to empower my son's to be comfortable with themselves and to express how they feel, and that includes crying in front of people.

Photo Credited To Wilcloverphotography

As their mother I have a hard time allowing them to see me cry. I know it is okay. I know I should not worry about that. But I do. The other morning something made me disheartened and I sat down and cried. I tried my best to not sound like a sobbing baby yet Chase was aware that I was crying. He asked me what was wrong and why I was sad. I softly told him that it was nothing, that mama was okay. It's not so much the act of crying in front of him, it is explaining to him why I am crying. He's too little to handle certain conversations. He is too small to know the pain that life can hand you. I am not ready for him to have to worry about certain battles he will inevitably face. It is not his place to worry about his mother. This is why I have a hard time letting my son see me cry. It is my job to comfort him, not for him to comfort me.

Crying in front of him does happens. Mommy gets frustrated some days to the point of tears and I don't have enough time to scurry out of the room before my eyes can no longer be a barrier to the inevitable water fall that is about to happen. There are times he has been sad and I can't help but cry along with him. I feel every ounce of his sadness at times and it can be so overwhelming I am unable to control my emotions.

I want my boys to not fear their emotions. I do not want them running from me to hide their pain. What I don't want to hear is the endless toddler cry over nothing at all (you know what I am talking about mama's!) but I do want them to be comfortable with their emotions. I want them to be able to come to me when they need me, a hug or just a good cry. Most of us know a good cry can heal the soul.

I know I need to also allow myself to be free. I need to be me. If I cry, well so be it. I do not need to explain to them what is going on inside mommy. I do need to let them see me as me, and that means in my most dismal moments.

I firmly believe that those moments that make you collapse to the ground, break your heart, or shatter your dreams; those are the moments that build you up. Those moments are teaching, as well as empowering if we allow them to be. Sadness takes on many forms and is different for each person. No one person can be happy every moment of every day. There is enough pressure to be the best mom I can be for my children. There are days filled with mommy guilt, some that are filled feeling like a failure. Crying in font of my children has happened, will happen, and I hope they learn from me.

I hope my children look back and say that their mother was strong, passionate, determined, and that they could always feel my love. I hope they will talk about how I encouraged them to be themselves, to love whomever they wanted, and to feel whatever their hearts feel. I want them to know that despite any sadness, life is truly a beautiful gift. I know that I will always look back at them, thankful for each moment they gave me, because without them I would not be any of these things.

The Day I Hurt My Son's Feelings

As mothers we do our best to try and protect our children. We give them love, nurture them, and help them thrive. We do everything in our power to shield our children from sadness and pain. Each time either one of my toddlers gets hurt they run to me to make things better. Whether there is blood or the optical illusion of it, my children want my arms around them to make them feel better. That is until I am the one who causes the pain. The other day I hurt my son’s feelings and a piece of my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

The four year old, Chase, was upset with his one and a half year old brother,Wesley, for whatever reason; a toy was taken away, he had something the four year old wanted, or merely the simple fact the he was even born. It is usually one of those three things that sets things off. Chase decided it would be a good idea to push his little brother over. This of course resulting in big crocodile tears from the little guy and mama bear suddenly had her claws out.

I can tolerate a good amount from my son before I spontaneously com-bust. What I do not tolerate in my house is being mean. I do understand that pushing, wrestling, and fighting is what siblings do. Yet I also feel it is important to correct behaviors that may cause harm. It wouldn’t be the first time the baby “fell” into the door. As I tell Chase, mama sees everything!

I reacted this particular day before taking a moment to think. I yelled at Chase, most likely roaring like a mama bear would do, and grabbed him to put him in a time out. Now it wasn’t just Wesley that was crying but Chase, and deep down I had to stifle back my crying. I was frustrated and angry at Chase for his behavior and in that first moment I wanted him to know it.

After the storm had settled in the house I went to Chase so we could talk about what happened. I try be sure we always discuss why he received his time out now that he is getting old enough to understand what feelings are and how our actions affect others. I told him that what he did made me sad. I asked him how he would feel if someone treated him the way he treated his brother. After the conversation life went back to normal. That is until Chase said something to me that made me feel like I had gotten slapped in the face:

Chase: “Mama, I made you sad?”

Me: "Yes, I am disappointed in you. I don’t like when you treat your brother like that. It hurts my feelings.”

Chase: “Well, I am sad too. You hurt my feelings too when you yelled at me.”

There it was. I hurt his feelings. Me, mama, I made him sad. Yes, he is four. Yes, he can manipulate. Yes, it is my job to set limits and discipline him. I believe in limits and boundaries for children. But "this" moment, "those" words, I knew they were real. It doesn't matter how it happened, it is that it happened at all. I was the one to hurt my son. Even worse, is when I realized that this would not be last time it happens.

I  have to remember that as his mother I need to teach him. In some of those tough moments there will be times that feelings will get hurt. What I would like to take from this is that maybe in the times that I feel like I am ready to "roar", that I take a moment to stop and wait before I respond. I don't want to regret my actions due to reacting too quickly. Much easier said than done and I already know this is something that I have to work on. 

I know that there will be several moments to come that will be challenging for our relationship. There will be stages and ages which will be harder than others. We will grow close, and there will be times in which we fall apart. Any relationship takes work, effort, love and strength. I know that as his mother I will always have to apply all of these things to our relationship.

Perhaps this is about forgiveness. Him forgiving me, me forgiving him, and possibly the most difficult: me forgiving myself.


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