Running On Memories

I have always believed that no matter how long a person is in your life, whether a short time or a life long friend, that each and every person is meant to be there. Each person we meet fits like a puzzle piece into our lives. Take that piece away then there is an empty space. Friendships grow, change, evolve and sometimes lose their way. I have been fortunate to have many amazing women in my life. Some have passed through while others have remained for years. Some friends I have gone years without actually seeing yet that doesn't change the feelings I hold for them. There are new friendships I have formed that have evolved and become strong and vital to me. I am thankful for each and every single one as every person is as unique as the friendship they bring.

Last week I was scrolling through Facebook feed as usual. There it was on her page: "RIP, you will be missed." I instantly felt numb, sick, and sadness washed over me. I jumped to her page and started reading a couple of comments which confirmed my inner fear. She had passed away. I found out on the day she was buried. This burned me even more as I would have been there to send her off in peace. To tell her one last time that I missed her. To let her know that I loved her and no amount of time that separated us would change that.

We grew apart somewhere around 2011. There was no falling out or ugly argument. Both our lives started moving in other directions. We would send one another the concessional "I miss you" either by text or via one another Facebook page yet never get together again. The news of her passing hit me and had me searching for answers. I am not sure what exactly I was looking for. Maybe peace; for her and for me. What I found instead were several conversations on her FB page that she and I exchanged, runs that brought me to tears, and dreams where she lingered. She was gone. That final message on her Facebook wall we exchanged on July 12th, 2012 would be our last. Four years and one day to the day she passed she passed away.

This isn't my grief though. My heart aches as her friend and the friendship we had formed long ago. What pains me the most is that she was not just a woman, not just a friend, but she was a mother. Left behind are children who won't have their mom to call anymore. A daughter who won't be able to have her mother braid her hair, paint her nails, kiss her tears away or go wedding dress shopping with. Left behind are son's who will no longer share the excitement of their day, her arms wrap around them, and hear her voice tell stories of her childhood. It's their sadness that penetrates within me. 

All those little things we take for granted every day, they matter. That is what I kept going back to on my runs each morning. The simple things are really the things that matter most to our children: brushing their hair, washing their hands, and putting them to bed. Singing songs, reading books and belly laughs. Cleaning dirty finger prints off the doors and windows. Wiping boogers and butts and holding them close while they are sick. Getting them ready for their first day of school or sending them off to camp. Many are small tasks we sometimes grumble over. Small yes, but so very important to a child. Each and every interaction we have with our children helps to shape them and they remember the littlest things. Things which we may not realize are so big to them. 

Tears greeted my face a few times as my feet hit the pavement last week. I felt a heaviness in me that was all too familiar and unwelcome. I have never been good at handling my own emotions when it comes to death. I have lost people close to me over the years and one thing I have learned is that grief takes form in many ways and the pain of losing a loved one never truly goes away. All the while my runs were filled with prayer, asking God and her to watch over those children and leave them with only happy memories. There were also prayers of selfishness asking God never to take me from mine. The very thought of it brings me to tears and terrifies me. I want to be able to share and become better at savoring each and every moment. Even all those little ones. The silent ones. They all matter, each and every one. 

Her death reminded me not only of the beautiful person I remember, the one who loved babies and dogs, it also reminded me just how we never know what each day brings. We are not promised tomorrow. There is no guarantee you and I will speak in the morning or even next week. So maybe we all need to be better about telling those we love how much we love them. Send a card, pick up the phone, or make that time to see them. Most importantly, if you have kids, hug them tight. Tell them you love them every chance you get. If they ask to snuggle, then stop what you are doing and snuggle. Those hugs your kids give you, hold on tight when they do. Those dirty little fingers on your glass door that you want to Windex away, maybe just leave them there a little longer. Someday these moments will all seem so far away. Let's not wish we would have made the time for all the amazing small moments. I hope I can be better about creating more and living in them. This life is a gift, always live it with a grateful heart. Most importantly: Always say I love you! 


"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people stay for awhile, and move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ~ Flavia Weedn

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26 Thing I Am Grateful For

Last year I put together a list of 26 things that I am grateful for. With Thanksgiving just around the corner I thought it was a good time to share it again. Why 26? No reason honestly. After finishing the list I had a few more come to mind but figured I should stop somewhere. Here is my Grateful post!

I believe that we all need to practice living a life that is filled with gratitude. I feel that we become who we are with the help of everything that surrounds us. People. Things. The universe. It is easy to want more and forget about the little things that have become a part of your life. Those tiny little things that make up your world. I decided to create a list of the things that I am grateful for in my own life. No particular order or rank. Some have a deeper meaning than others. Some are simple things which make me happy. For each one I am grateful.

1- My children: I cannot imagine waking up without them each day. Every breathe of theirs becomes mine, every touch of their little fingers sets me on fire. I am grateful that they chose me. They teach me lessons every day. They have shown me love in a way that only children can. They chose me and I am beyond grateful.

2- My husband:  Our lives are intertwined by love, commitment, and friendship. We are a team, a unit, two people who vow to walk through this crazy life and handle whatever life throws at us. He is supportive, gentle, kind and loyal. He makes me smile and laugh. Our love is not perfect but is is honest and true.

3- My parents: The two people who gave me a loving and supportive home. Who taught me important values and lessons that I hope to pass on to my own children. They give love and support to my family and are the best Nana and Pop-Pop to their grandchildren.

4- My brother: For all the memories we have shared and for the ones we will create in the future as a family. It is a blessing to watch our children grow together. I am glad they all have one another, they will need one another later on.

5- My sister in law: She is not only my brothers wife, she is also my friend. An added bonus is she gave birth to my niece and nephew whom I adore.

6- Our home: I am fortunate that even though we do not own our place that is filled with love and laughter. We have made this house a home. The walls are stamped with memories over the past five years. We have a roof over our head and walls that keep us warm. This is home!

7- The animals: I couldn't imagine a house that I lived in that did not have furry creatures in it. I am grateful for the happiness they bring me and especially bring to my children. I have three loving and forgiving creatures which shed all over my house.

8- A kick ass job: I am happy that I have a part time job that helps me keep the balance between family and work. My bosses are wonderful and I feel appreciated.

9- My health: I am grateful that I am healthy, strong, and active. I consider it a blessing to be able to run and be active with my children. I will continue to work on myself and be a healthy me because it is a blessing to have the body I have.

10- Friends: Old and new, my heart is full when I think of all the amazing people in my life. I have wonderful friends who have supported me, loved me, and watch me grow as a person. I am beyond lucky to have a fabulous support system known as my friends! My tribe is always there when I need them.

11- My grandmother: I have one living grandparent that not only do I get to see on a regular basis but that my children get to spend time with. I am happy that both boys will have memories of her to share in the future.

12- Food: I always tell Chase that he needs to be thankful for the food we have and not be wasteful. I explain that not everyone has food like we do, we must be thankful for the things given to us. We may not always want what we have in front of us, but we must never take it for granted.

13- Beer and Wine: Same category so I will count them as one. I think they deserve to make the list! Lord knows there are days they helped me through!

14- My camera: I love capturing special moments . Simple moments. Silly moments. Pictures to me are treasures.

15- The Ocean: The sound of the waves. The sand on my feet. The memories I have created and will continue to create with my family while going to the ocean.

16- Being a Woman: Really, I am truly thankful for this. I am thankful for this amazing body that created, carried, and birthed two creatures. 

 17- My Boobs: Yes, they are a part of my body  and being a woman, but they deserve their own recognition. I am grateful for the milk that they made to nurse both my boys.

18- Laughter: My children's laughter and the ability to laugh. Good, deep down, belly laughs can make the worst day vanish.

19- Cupcakes: With lots of frosting!

20- Nexxus Hair Spray: I am serious, this stuff is the bomb. After trying several I keep going back to it. It tames your hair and doesn't make it feel like a rock. True Story!

21- Music: All different genres. The sound of it, the words, the ability to sing it, and the beat to dance to it. The magic of listening to an old song and having it take you right back to a specific moment and make you feel like you are right there.

22- For our soldiers: All the men and women who fight for this country and selflessly give themselves, sacrificing their lives and own family time during the holidays.

23- Second Chances & Forgiveness: Enough said here.

24- A Creemee on a hot summer night: I miss you summer!

25- Words: The power of them. A good book. An inspirational quote. Words spoken by the people we love; our partners, our children. 

26- God: I am grateful for a God. The higher being, whatever that means for each of us, who gave me all these things. Who has gifted me with this amazing life that I live. I am beyond grateful!

Take time to be thankful for all the things in your life. Not just the big things, but all those little things that fill the spaces in between that we tend to forget about. Say Thank You, hug tighter, kiss longer, smile at a stranger, say I Love You every day, and take time to stop and enjoy life. We are given today and not promised tomorrow; don't lose a chance to make today amazing.


Happy Thanksgiving!!! 
 
What are YOU Thankful for? 

7 Life Lessons That Running Has Taught Me

When I began running I had no idea how it would change me. I started running to get into shape, be more fit, and live a healthier lifestyle. I never understood all the other things it would give me until some time and miles later. Running would not only physically change me, it would also become a metaphor for many things in life. Today I do my best to apply many of the  lessons I have learned from running into each day. Today I will share them with you.

1- Always Believe You Can: It is amazing to me what one can do when you apply this mantra. There was a time that running a mile was difficult. Running five miles became a monumental milestone. Completing my first Half Marathon was epic to me. I would have never reached any of these goals without the belief that I could do it. I knew it would be difficult, I knew it would take dedication, discipline and devotion. Everything in life requires these things. I truly believe we are capable of so much. Each one of us can reach our goals as long as we believe that we can. It starts within us before it can be a part of us.

2- Set Goals and Chase Your Dreams: I find that when I set running goals for myself I push myself to limits I may not have if those goals were not set. Those goals give me something to fight for. They give me the drive I need to push on when I want to stop. It is the same for myself and my family. I have aspirations, dreams and goals I want to complete. It is also important that my children see me set goals. I want them to dream big, create their own goals, and pursue whatever it is their hearts yearn for. Because remember, you can do anything you put your mind to if you want it bad enough!

3- Be Realistic: It is important in setting your goals that you set ones that are attainable. After years of running I have come to know what my body is capable of. In that same sentiment I also know what I am not able to do or what may require more patience. One of the hardest things in any sport and in life is facing disappointment. We want to perform the best we can. We want to do and be better than we are. Absolutely nothing is wrong with wanting more. There is nothing wrong with striving to be a better you and creating a life that exemplifies this. First, stop for a second and think about this: Is what you want for your life reasonable? Be honest, stay true to yourself and always be realistic.

4- Have Patience With Yourself: Patience is not always my strong suit. This is something I continue to struggle with on a daily basis. Running has proved to me that as long as you make a commitment, put in the time, and be patient that it all becomes worth it. When I first started running I didn't step outside my door and run ten miles. I had to take my time and slowly increase my mileage. I still remembered running two miles and the feeling I had when I completed it. The first time I hit six miles was a milestone for me, as was miles 7,8, and 9. I try my best to apply this patience in my own life, with my children, in my relationship and in my own personal battles. We have to take time to stop in moments. We need to realize that anything worth fighting for does not happen overnight. Stop, breathe life in, and be patient with yourself.

5- It's not always easy but it is always worth it: Saturday morning I did a long run and it was amazing. Sunday morning I woke up, felt great, got out there and had a shitty run. Each step I took felt heavy, the first mile felt like five, and I wanted to quit much sooner than I actually did. I wanted to, but I didn't. Instead I pushed myself to a mental goal. When I set out to do any run I have a mile goal in my head that I want to reach. No matter how the run turns out, I am going to reach that goal. I love running, running has become an outlet for me. I may love running, but not every run is easy. The end result, every run is worth it. No matter what life throws at you, however beautiful or sad, it happens for a reason. Though some moments are more challenging than others it is always worth it when you reach your goal. It is worth financial struggle, personal growth and those relationships that we live in. Life is not always easy, but it is one hell of a ride. Hold on tight, it's worth it!

6- Be Grateful: Running is a humbling sport. There is never a run that I have where I don't take time to thank God for being able to use my legs. Running has taught me, it has healed me, it has given me strength. I am grateful for each run. I am thankful that I am able to use my legs. I am thankful for my life, my children, my husband and family. I am thankful that I can breathe. I am grateful. We must always take moments to offer thanks and be grateful for everything we are given. When you think you have it bad just stop and remember that there is someone else who is hurting more than you. Each day be grateful!

7- Have Fun: Last, but certainly not the least valid: HAVE FUN! Enjoy what you are doing. Dance, laugh, sing, jump, run, walk and skip. Do one of these, do all of these, just do it with a smile on your face. Life is too short, it is a sacred gift. We are fortunate to be here and it is our job to live it as if each moment were our last. So no matter what you are doing try and do it with a smile. Find fun in every day even when it is the darkest of days. Look around you, it truly is wonderful to be alive. 


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Letting My Son See Me Cry

There are a lot of things that I want to be to my children. How my children see me is important. I want my children to look at me and see a strong woman. I want them to know that I am a fighter. I want them to look at me and be proud. I want them to see a woman who goes after what she wants and is passionate about life. I want my boys to see their mother as determined. I want them to know I will do whatever it takes to make them happy. I do not ever want my children to think I am a sad person. Letting my boys see me cry is something I struggle with.

I strongly believe in expressing feelings and encouraging our children to do the same. There is nothing wrong with crying and I want both my boys to know that. I want them to be able to feel. To allow themselves to express themselves when they are happy or sad. I always tell my four year old, Chase, that it is okay to cry. I don't want my children feeling shamed for their feelings. I want to empower my son's to be comfortable with themselves and to express how they feel, and that includes crying in front of people.

Photo Credited To Wilcloverphotography

As their mother I have a hard time allowing them to see me cry. I know it is okay. I know I should not worry about that. But I do. The other morning something made me disheartened and I sat down and cried. I tried my best to not sound like a sobbing baby yet Chase was aware that I was crying. He asked me what was wrong and why I was sad. I softly told him that it was nothing, that mama was okay. It's not so much the act of crying in front of him, it is explaining to him why I am crying. He's too little to handle certain conversations. He is too small to know the pain that life can hand you. I am not ready for him to have to worry about certain battles he will inevitably face. It is not his place to worry about his mother. This is why I have a hard time letting my son see me cry. It is my job to comfort him, not for him to comfort me.

Crying in front of him does happens. Mommy gets frustrated some days to the point of tears and I don't have enough time to scurry out of the room before my eyes can no longer be a barrier to the inevitable water fall that is about to happen. There are times he has been sad and I can't help but cry along with him. I feel every ounce of his sadness at times and it can be so overwhelming I am unable to control my emotions.

I want my boys to not fear their emotions. I do not want them running from me to hide their pain. What I don't want to hear is the endless toddler cry over nothing at all (you know what I am talking about mama's!) but I do want them to be comfortable with their emotions. I want them to be able to come to me when they need me, a hug or just a good cry. Most of us know a good cry can heal the soul.

I know I need to also allow myself to be free. I need to be me. If I cry, well so be it. I do not need to explain to them what is going on inside mommy. I do need to let them see me as me, and that means in my most dismal moments.

I firmly believe that those moments that make you collapse to the ground, break your heart, or shatter your dreams; those are the moments that build you up. Those moments are teaching, as well as empowering if we allow them to be. Sadness takes on many forms and is different for each person. No one person can be happy every moment of every day. There is enough pressure to be the best mom I can be for my children. There are days filled with mommy guilt, some that are filled feeling like a failure. Crying in font of my children has happened, will happen, and I hope they learn from me.

I hope my children look back and say that their mother was strong, passionate, determined, and that they could always feel my love. I hope they will talk about how I encouraged them to be themselves, to love whomever they wanted, and to feel whatever their hearts feel. I want them to know that despite any sadness, life is truly a beautiful gift. I know that I will always look back at them, thankful for each moment they gave me, because without them I would not be any of these things.

The Glass Jar : A Journey through our Moments

Last March I wrote a post titled The Glass Jar. The concept is all over Pinterest and Facebook. Some refer to it as the happiness jar. The first time around I failed miserably. I had intended to make use of the jar and it turned out over the course of a year I only found six things to drop in. Of coarse there was more than six things to be happy about. In 2014 I made more of an effort with the jar. This time around I kept it in my bedroom instead of on a shelf in the kitchen. It sat right on my bureau where I was forced to look at it every day.

New Years Day we decided to open up our jar and take a journey through the happy moments we had collected through the year. I am proud to say that I had a nice pile to dump out. Champagne was poured and Chase was leaning on the ottoman eager for me to read our "moments". We recorded things from Wesley getting his first tooth to Chase playing soccer. There was how we went strawberry picking, took a family vacation to Old Orchard Beach, and how mama did her first Half Marathon. The things I wrote down were happy. Some were funny. They were "firsts". They were moments. Some big, others small. Each one having a special meaning to us as a family.

I felt emotional reading some of them. I could feel tears burning in my eyes as I read how Chase made Wesley belly laugh as I listened from another room. It's those moments that you will never get back. The fleeting feelings that grab a hold of your heart and squeeze. Squeezing so tight that you have to take a moment to breathe. Suddenly you are there again, in that moment.

The glass jar had become more sacred to me than I ever intended it to be. We even talked about other moments through the year that were fun or memorable that we forgot to put in the jar. I was able to jot them down on paper and add those to our pile. Something so simple became a powerful new tradition for our family. In my first post about the glass jar I wrote: "I want to be sure to celebrate these moments and look back on them with a smile and a full heart". This is exactly what we did on New Years Day while reading through the contents of the glass jar. We smiled, we laughed, and my heart felt full of love and happiness.

It all is much more than the glass jar. I know that life moves quickly. I wish I could freeze time or even just slow it down to relish every memory with my boys. I don't want to forget the sound of their laughter, the feel of their hands grabbing at me, or the embrace of their hugs. Moments rush by leaving their impressions on everything around us. It rains, it snows and  the sun comes out again. We love, we cry, we laugh and we grow. Time passes. We mistakenly forget about those events and people that brought us to where we are. I like that we can be reminded in this simple way. Years from now I will be able to look back on these notes and be brought back to each of these moments. The glass jar holds pieces of our hearts; paper treasures to look back on.

Fire And Ice

It amazes me how fast life changes. You blink and it is like you were dreaming what happened a year before. Last year at this time I was laboring with Wesley. I had gone in that morning when contractions were on top of one another only to be sent home since my body was not making progress. Soon there after contractions slowed down and I labored well into the next day. The evening of September 18th at six forty five, under a pink and red sunset sky, Wesley Holden finally made his arrival. He came like a roller coaster that derailed, yet he was here and life as we knew it would never be the same.

Brand New Baby Wesley

My life is better because of him. He is an amazing child. He has always given me this overwhelming joy that resides in my heart and soul. Isn't is astounding that children can light a fire in us that we never knew existed?! Both Wesley and Chase have given me more than I could have ever hoped for. More than I ever thought possible. The love of a child is truly magical.

What also amazes me is how different both my boys are. Chase from the beginning was a fire cracker. He was an active baby in me and the moment he entered this world there was no doubt this child was going to light up the world around him. Wesley arrived with a contentment about him. He exuded love. His eyes looked into mine as if to say everything was now perfect. Wesley has a smile that stays with you and reminds you that life is beautiful. Chase likes to shake things up while Wesley goes with it and is the content one. My boys are like fire and ice.

The differences in them balance me as I hope they will balance one another. I see pieces of myself and Jason in both of them. I see pieces of Chase in Wesley. Small ones, little fragments that compliment him. Each child is a magnificent creation and for this my heart swells with love.

Moments

It's Saturday night and I am sitting here with a glass of wine. To my right is Chase playing in his "living sand" and to my left Jay is trying to get down our almost 8 month old (tomorrow he is 8 months). The sun is shining through the windows. I hear the sound of Chase playing make believe (a sound I have fallen in love with), I hear the sound of music coming from Wesley's swing, and I take a deep breath, I feel so at home right now in this moment. I can sit here, take a moment to write (which I love) and also be in the surroundings of those I love. Things feel right. Things feel good. I feel happy. No, it's not just the wine talking. Give me some credit here, I have only gotten down half of my glass, not slurring my words just yet.

I received a phone call this week from a dear friend who is sitting with her partner right while he is in the hospital after undergoing an Aorta Valve replacement. My friend and her husband are very close. It's been a long couple of days for her and my heart aches thinking of what she is going through. These are two people who adore one another. You look at them and can tell. They are friends, lovers, partners, and a team. I stop to reflect how it would feel to be in her place and just the thought of it alone makes my heart hurt.

Life is fragile. It is beautiful and amazing just as it can be trying and ugly. Each second is a gift. Every moment a miracle. Some days and moments seeing the gift in it may be difficult. Maybe almost impossible. It may be hard to feel the joy in each day. It's there. In each thing we see, in all we do, in people we meet. There is joy, there is love, there is happiness.

It's in these moments we need to stop and live in the moment. Enjoy it. Hold on to it.

It is so easy to take life for granted. I do it. We all do it.

So tonight try to live in the moment as long as you can. Hug those close to you a little tighter. Kiss them a little longer. Always be sure to say those three magic words.

Cheers!