Running On Memories

I have always believed that no matter how long a person is in your life, whether a short time or a life long friend, that each and every person is meant to be there. Each person we meet fits like a puzzle piece into our lives. Take that piece away then there is an empty space. Friendships grow, change, evolve and sometimes lose their way. I have been fortunate to have many amazing women in my life. Some have passed through while others have remained for years. Some friends I have gone years without actually seeing yet that doesn't change the feelings I hold for them. There are new friendships I have formed that have evolved and become strong and vital to me. I am thankful for each and every single one as every person is as unique as the friendship they bring.

Last week I was scrolling through Facebook feed as usual. There it was on her page: "RIP, you will be missed." I instantly felt numb, sick, and sadness washed over me. I jumped to her page and started reading a couple of comments which confirmed my inner fear. She had passed away. I found out on the day she was buried. This burned me even more as I would have been there to send her off in peace. To tell her one last time that I missed her. To let her know that I loved her and no amount of time that separated us would change that.

We grew apart somewhere around 2011. There was no falling out or ugly argument. Both our lives started moving in other directions. We would send one another the concessional "I miss you" either by text or via one another Facebook page yet never get together again. The news of her passing hit me and had me searching for answers. I am not sure what exactly I was looking for. Maybe peace; for her and for me. What I found instead were several conversations on her FB page that she and I exchanged, runs that brought me to tears, and dreams where she lingered. She was gone. That final message on her Facebook wall we exchanged on July 12th, 2012 would be our last. Four years and one day to the day she passed she passed away.

This isn't my grief though. My heart aches as her friend and the friendship we had formed long ago. What pains me the most is that she was not just a woman, not just a friend, but she was a mother. Left behind are children who won't have their mom to call anymore. A daughter who won't be able to have her mother braid her hair, paint her nails, kiss her tears away or go wedding dress shopping with. Left behind are son's who will no longer share the excitement of their day, her arms wrap around them, and hear her voice tell stories of her childhood. It's their sadness that penetrates within me. 

All those little things we take for granted every day, they matter. That is what I kept going back to on my runs each morning. The simple things are really the things that matter most to our children: brushing their hair, washing their hands, and putting them to bed. Singing songs, reading books and belly laughs. Cleaning dirty finger prints off the doors and windows. Wiping boogers and butts and holding them close while they are sick. Getting them ready for their first day of school or sending them off to camp. Many are small tasks we sometimes grumble over. Small yes, but so very important to a child. Each and every interaction we have with our children helps to shape them and they remember the littlest things. Things which we may not realize are so big to them. 

Tears greeted my face a few times as my feet hit the pavement last week. I felt a heaviness in me that was all too familiar and unwelcome. I have never been good at handling my own emotions when it comes to death. I have lost people close to me over the years and one thing I have learned is that grief takes form in many ways and the pain of losing a loved one never truly goes away. All the while my runs were filled with prayer, asking God and her to watch over those children and leave them with only happy memories. There were also prayers of selfishness asking God never to take me from mine. The very thought of it brings me to tears and terrifies me. I want to be able to share and become better at savoring each and every moment. Even all those little ones. The silent ones. They all matter, each and every one. 

Her death reminded me not only of the beautiful person I remember, the one who loved babies and dogs, it also reminded me just how we never know what each day brings. We are not promised tomorrow. There is no guarantee you and I will speak in the morning or even next week. So maybe we all need to be better about telling those we love how much we love them. Send a card, pick up the phone, or make that time to see them. Most importantly, if you have kids, hug them tight. Tell them you love them every chance you get. If they ask to snuggle, then stop what you are doing and snuggle. Those hugs your kids give you, hold on tight when they do. Those dirty little fingers on your glass door that you want to Windex away, maybe just leave them there a little longer. Someday these moments will all seem so far away. Let's not wish we would have made the time for all the amazing small moments. I hope I can be better about creating more and living in them. This life is a gift, always live it with a grateful heart. Most importantly: Always say I love you! 


"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people stay for awhile, and move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ~ Flavia Weedn

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Being A Part Of The Memory: When To Put The Camera Down

One of my favorite things to do is take pictures. I seem to always have the camera in my hand. Even when we leave the house I take it with me "just in case" I see something that I need to take a photo of. Pictures to me are treasure's; moments frozen in time. Pieces of our lives captured to bring us a smile, or sometimes even tears.

I rarely am in photo's since the camera is always in my hand. There are a few times I will hand it over to my partner and those pictures tend to be blurry or completely off centered. They are not in any way taken with the slight amount of an artistic eye. I am fortunate to have a wonderful friend and photographer that has taken pictures of my family over the years and given me amazing treasures.

We just got back from vacation in Old Orchard Beach, Maine. I took a ridiculous amount of photo's as I tend to do on these trips. I want to catch all the "firsts". I want to freeze all those smiles and laughter. I love when I can sit back and watch them and seize that moment when they are not aware I am gawking at them. Then there are those photo's where you try to get the kids to both smile at the same time. Begging, pleading for "just one" good photo. What are we thinking?! Bless photographers patience because after about snapping ten photo's I finally say screw it and hope I got one where they both are remotely looking at the camera. Maybe just maybe one of those pictures they will be smiling and tongues won't be sticking out. Maybe. But highly unlikely.

As much as I love taking pictures I know I need to try to put the camera down. This is hard for me. What if I miss something really great?! The reality is holding that camera in my hand all the time doesn't allow me to be a part of the moment. In fact I am missing something great. I am missing being a part of that memory. I can still freeze that moment in my mind. My heart can feel joy by watching my children smile and being the one to smile back at them. No lens in front of my face, just me.

One of my favorite moments from our trip was when I did decided to leave my camera behind. I hesitated in my mind before walking out the door. It had been storming all day and the rain had finally stopped. It was eight o'clock at night and I asked Chase if he wanted to go on an "adventure". One of the things I make sure we do is walk the beach together. Just him and I looking for "treasures". This night I knew the waves were angry and the ocean would be inviting me to take pictures. I wanted to capture Chase playing in those waves, dancing over the seaweed and shells. I left my camera at the room walking hand and hand with my son.

The next half hour we skipped on the beach. Our toes sinking in the wet sand. The salt water splashing at our feet and reaching up towards our knees. I held Chase's hand as a wave pulled him down soaking him from head to toe. We looked at one another and laughed. We kept playing games with the waves. The ocean was an amazing canvas of rumbling waves. It was beautiful, intense, and inviting; just as Chase's laughter was. His face was lit up and his eyes sparkled with glee. This moment was perfect. This moment was mine to hold on to. I have already tucked it away and kept it as one of my sacred treasures, right inside my soul.

I will always have my camera on me. I will continue to take an obscene amount of photo's. What I want to try my best to do is be more in the moment. To allow myself to put that camera down so I can create more of these memories with my children. I want them to hold onto these moments just as I do. There are things I remember as a young girl. I do not need photo's to remind me. I can only hope my children will grasp the same sweet moments I do. And the rest, I will stop in time with my camera.

Being the "Other" Woman

I use to know this woman. There were many things about her I will never forget. She lingers in my memory and once in awhile I can catch glimpses of her if I close my eyes and take a moment to drift back in time.

She was feisty and vivacious. When she laughed the whole room could hear her. She was a bit on the wild side. She liked to party, to drink, to dance into the early hours of the morning. It was knee high boots, lipstick, and perfume.

As I talk about her now I see her spending money frivolously as she sits at the bar with a drink in her hand. It is only her. Sometimes there is a man but he never stays for that long. She cannot seem to get it right. Dating for her is like a train wreck. She is constantly derailing and losing herself more along the way. She thinks that she is happy. She does not yet know what happiness is.  

My eyes fill with tears for her and I blink them away and smile. She just wasn’t ready. She needed to let life happen. There were mistakes to be made. Lessons to be learned. She needed to grow. To be able to love herself before life could give her the greatest gifts of all.

Fast forward a bit. I can tell you now that this woman is no longer there. Today is she is stronger and more fierce than she ever thought she could be. She has learned to fight hard for the things that she wants. It is through her unsteady feet that she learned to find balance and stand tall. She learned what it felt like to take chances. She realized that there is a plan for her. The road ahead was paved with laughter, love and tiny miracles.

Love came walking into her life. Real love. The kind that ignites a fire in you and creates a warmth in you only felt by true love. She found companionship and loyalty. She didn't need to look for it, love found her.

Then, the most amazing thing happened; she became a mother.

This woman would learn what the real important things were in life. It didn’t always mean that she would always feel glamorous. There would be no more staying up all night because she chose to; it would be because her children kept her up all night. She wouldn’t be at a bar dancing. Dance parties would now take place in her living room with her two children bouncing right next to her. It was in these moments that she would feel more alive than she ever did. It took two little boys to change her world. They saved her.

Motherhood can be "messy". It is truly the hardest job that I have had. I am challenged each moment of every day to be the best that I can be for my children. I don’t always get to shower. It has been a long time since I have had lunch with a girlfriend or even a date with my man. I don’t get raises, or recognized as “employee of the month”. I hardly hear “thank you”. I rarely get my hair done and let's not even talk about how long it has been since my last pedicure. Some days I am exhausted and just want to get away.

All of that is so small compared to the bigger things motherhood has brought me. I am truly the happiest I have ever been. There is nothing like this love. I am consumed by it and grateful to be this woman now. This woman is blessed to wake each morning to two boys who make every second worth living. Every moment that I am given with them is a treasure.

I think about that other woman once in awhile. I haven’t forgot about her and she comes alive in me from time to time. I can see her other times when I watch my children. She is right there in them; pieces of me living on in them. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her...

Today, now, this woman; she is a the woman I was meant to be.



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Remembering Bobby

Sometimes I can still smell his cologne. It happens at random times. I was running a few weeks ago and it was as if he was running right next to me, pushing me along.  Other times it's an old song that comes on the radio and suddenly I am right back where I was when I was 16. I still have dreams about him. Some more vivid than others. I still see his face and if I try hard enough I can hear his voice.

When you are 18 and 19 the world should be in the palm of your hands. You are setting goals. Finding out what it is like to be an adult. Falling down, then getting back up. At least that is what most young adults are doing. Others are leaving behind friends and family who years later will still miss them and wonder why they had to leave.It has been 18 years since he has passed on.

If you knew Bobby you loved him. There wasn't a person who didn't like him. Sure, he could get you mad but it was almost impossible to stay upset with him. He had a smile that was contagious and a heart as big as he was. His laugh would cause ripples in you like a wave and before you knew it you were laughing right along with him. He was surrounded by three beautiful women, his mother and two sisters, who he loved intensely. Family was important to Bobby. He loved the outdoors and the woods. He was strong, athletic, and passionate.

I was a freshmen in college when I received the phone call that he had passed away. I had just been home for Thanksgiving break. I hadn't seen Bobby when I was home yet had only talked to him a couple weeks before. I had spent a good amount of that summer before I left for school with Bobby. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I had done in my young adult life. He was one of my dearest friends. I knew leaving would change our friendship and we would move on in other directions. I also knew I would miss him terribly. I was not prepared for the heartbreaking phone call that he was gone forever.


There would be no more phone calls. No more letters. No more I love you's. A mother lost her son. Sisters lost their beloved brother and friend. Friends lost a piece of themselves. The world lost a good man. We all grieved. Our small little community suddenly had a crack in it from the place where he once was. He will always be there. He never left really. It's in those moments where you feel like your loved one is no where near you, that if you stop for a moment and try, you will feel them. You will be comforted and filled with the love they left behind.

He lives on within each life he touched. For however long or brief, he has left his mark on you. He lives on in his nieces and nephews. He lives on through memories and stories we all share. He lives on, waiting for us on the other side. Someday there will be laughter again shared with him.

Each person has a purpose. Each spirit has a divine meaning. We are all gifts to one another. Pieces of one another. The ones we love surround us, mold us, teach us and complete us. We all fit together like a puzzle. There are several pieces, many hearts, and they all fit together to make our world beautiful. Each soul is carried within us, hugging our hearts and reminding us that we are never alone.