What I Fear The Most

I wonder if they will remember the walks we took while talking about the farm and the cows. Will they remember cooking with me in the kitchen and making our signature energy balls that we renamed "Yummy Balls"? Maybe the memories will not be moments but the smell of Christmas trees. Reminding them how we went to go cut down our tree each and every year; trudging through snow while mama was the one to pick out the perfect tree that we would take home. It could be the sound of waves splashing bringing them back to the summers when we would go to the ocean. The walks we would take hand in hand on the beach looking for "treasures".

Will they remember how they loved the animals in our house and how forgiving each pet was to tiny hands grabbing at tails and those little feet using them as a step stool? What about the time we went to adopt our cat and he was given the name "Horsey"? A name that was decided on weeks before we had ever met the big, black cat not knowing how fitting his name would be.

What about when when Chase fell on our walk and hurt his knee? I scooped him up and carried him, even though I was carrying his brother on my back. Will they recall they countless times I wiped away tears from their face even when it was nothing more than the wrong fork that was given to them?

Then there are the nights that we lay there in bed with them wishing them to sleep. Will they remember the way we held them close and whispered stories and shared laughter long after they should have been asleep? The moments when they were sick and we held them close and promised they would be better soon as we fought back our own tears because it broke our hearts that we couldn't magically make them better.

I think of these things often as I am laying in bed and I can hear the breathing of my youngest, Wesley, as he sleeps next to me. I think of these things when it is the middle of the night. I think of these things when I go into Chase's room to kiss him one more time; for the third or fourth time. These thoughts dance around in my mind even as I go for a run. I never seem to escape the presence of my children. They are with me, within me, even when I am apart from them. I think about how lucky I am. How incredible this gift of life is. I feel my heart tighten at the brief thought of never seeing them again.

What would I leave behind for my children to hold on to?

Which moments will have become a part of their treasure chest of memories we created together?

Most importantly...

Will they be able to always feel my love?

Love: That raging fire that lives within me because of them. That light that shines in my soul because they chose me to be their mother. The joy that they bring, knowing without a doubt, they are the one thing that I have done right.

I think these things often.

Death, it is what I fear the most. I have always feared death and the unknown. I believe in an afterlife, I believe in God. Yet those things have never comforted me when I think about dying. When I allow myself to go to that place I feel anxiety and terror. I feel as though someone is squeezing my heart. Tears well up in my eyes and I have to take a moment to breathe.

This fear has gotten worse since having children. I want to be able to watch them grow. I want to see my children through all their milestones. I want to be there, not just for today, but for all the days of their lives. To see their first football game, their first date, prom, marriage, and watch them become fathers some day.

The unknown is terrifying to me. Not being with my children scares me even more.

What if I had to leave them behind...what would they remember about me? What moments would they hold on to?

Life is short. Life is precious. Life is a gift. 

When I go to this place it is a reminder that I need to make each moment count. Every second must be looked at as a treasure. It is a reminder to slow down. It is a gentle hand on my shoulder pulling me back, whispering to be in this moment, right now!

As I am writing this I glance over and see them playing together and I am consumed by the love I have for them. How was it possible that I created these two amazing creatures? How is it possible that each day I love them even more?

I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know where life will take us in another year or ten. What I do know is that I do have some control over what happens right now. I must remember:

Make each moment count!
  


Thank you for stopping by! What are some of your fears? 

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The Glass Jar : A Journey through our Moments

Last March I wrote a post titled The Glass Jar. The concept is all over Pinterest and Facebook. Some refer to it as the happiness jar. The first time around I failed miserably. I had intended to make use of the jar and it turned out over the course of a year I only found six things to drop in. Of coarse there was more than six things to be happy about. In 2014 I made more of an effort with the jar. This time around I kept it in my bedroom instead of on a shelf in the kitchen. It sat right on my bureau where I was forced to look at it every day.

New Years Day we decided to open up our jar and take a journey through the happy moments we had collected through the year. I am proud to say that I had a nice pile to dump out. Champagne was poured and Chase was leaning on the ottoman eager for me to read our "moments". We recorded things from Wesley getting his first tooth to Chase playing soccer. There was how we went strawberry picking, took a family vacation to Old Orchard Beach, and how mama did her first Half Marathon. The things I wrote down were happy. Some were funny. They were "firsts". They were moments. Some big, others small. Each one having a special meaning to us as a family.

I felt emotional reading some of them. I could feel tears burning in my eyes as I read how Chase made Wesley belly laugh as I listened from another room. It's those moments that you will never get back. The fleeting feelings that grab a hold of your heart and squeeze. Squeezing so tight that you have to take a moment to breathe. Suddenly you are there again, in that moment.

The glass jar had become more sacred to me than I ever intended it to be. We even talked about other moments through the year that were fun or memorable that we forgot to put in the jar. I was able to jot them down on paper and add those to our pile. Something so simple became a powerful new tradition for our family. In my first post about the glass jar I wrote: "I want to be sure to celebrate these moments and look back on them with a smile and a full heart". This is exactly what we did on New Years Day while reading through the contents of the glass jar. We smiled, we laughed, and my heart felt full of love and happiness.

It all is much more than the glass jar. I know that life moves quickly. I wish I could freeze time or even just slow it down to relish every memory with my boys. I don't want to forget the sound of their laughter, the feel of their hands grabbing at me, or the embrace of their hugs. Moments rush by leaving their impressions on everything around us. It rains, it snows and  the sun comes out again. We love, we cry, we laugh and we grow. Time passes. We mistakenly forget about those events and people that brought us to where we are. I like that we can be reminded in this simple way. Years from now I will be able to look back on these notes and be brought back to each of these moments. The glass jar holds pieces of our hearts; paper treasures to look back on.

The Magic Children Make

Children have a way of making things magical. They have a way of reminding us just how beautiful life is. Those moments we had as children that seemed to come alive with a dash of fairy dust are suddenly no longer a distant memory. This is what the holidays are about. It is love. It is happiness. Hope. Joy. It is the glimmer in their eyes that you see which suddenly lights a fire inside your soul.

Before I had children holidays became a hassle more than something I wanted to take part in. As I became an adult I no longer enjoyed this time. I didn't turn into Scrooge, yet I just didn't care about Thanksgiving or Christmas the way I wanted to. It felt busy and rushed.

Then I had my own children.

Over the past few years I get giddy about the Holidays. I try to engage my oldest son (he will be 4 in January) in festivities around each holiday. He is excited for Halloween this week. We have decals on our windows of ghosts, witches, and pumpkins. Yes, I have allowed my child to desecrate my windows by putting those cheap and rather ugly decals on my windows. He loves them. It makes him smile. That is all the reason I need to let him do it. I am eager for Thanksgiving. Of coarse for the  food I will consume, that is a given Yet more so for the day after when I can pull out the Christmas decorations and start putting some cheer into our house.

We have two Elves that also will make their appearance. This will be "Percy's" third Christmas with us and "Sheldon's" second. I tried to get creative with new hiding places and mischief that the elves would get into when Chase was asleep. Every morning he would go looking for them. I tried to take pictures of the scenarios I created. I had intended to make an album of Elf pictures. That never happened, maybe this year.

Percy & Sheldon got into the blocks.

I love the smell of the Christmas tree. We go and cut our tree down and I have vowed to make this a tradition we do every year. I remember going with my grandfather as a child and doing this. I grew up in a home where we had a fake Christmas tree. Going to get a tree as a family is a new tradition for me just as much as it is for my children. Last year Chase brought along his own "tools" to help cut down the tree.

Another tradition I started was getting a special ornament for my children each year. Chase has picked out his own the past two years. Someday when he has his own place and a family of his own he will have his ornaments to take with him. Or as I like to think of it, tiny treasures to remind him of past Christmas'.

I also want my children to appreciate what we have. To realize that the holidays are about creating memories. About sharing in love and laughter. I want to be sure we donate in some way this year. I try to explain to Chase that we should be thankful for what we have. I do my best to try and be grateful for all I have been given. I want to teach the boys to give to others as much as they want for themselves. Our town is having a mitten tree at our local library. I think this is a great way for us to be a part of helping someone in need. It is a reminder that the holidays are truly about how we give to others, how we treat one another, and how we need to love one another.

This holiday season I hope you all find the magic that lives within you. Share that magic. Laugh from deep in your belly. Share your smile with a stranger. Happiness can be a contagious thing.

Turning Water Into Wine

There are some days that I feel like I am getting a hang of this thing called parenthood. I can juggle what feels like a million things and manage to keep both boys alive until bed. Then I wake up and do it all over again the next day. And then there are other days where I wonder how the fuck I am going to make it past the next temper tantrum or attempted murder by toddler (I am convinced he is trying to kill his little brother). I try. I do. Each day I try to be a little better. A little more patient. A little more gentle. A little more accepting. Some days I succeed more than others. Those others, they make me want to start the day over and try again.

I wonder, did Mary ever have this problem with Jesus. Okay, so I get it, Mary had more patience than ten woman combined. I wonder though, did Jesus ever have act like my three year old? Did he ever get time outs? (Insert sarcasm here people) I am just saying, I am not a saint. I strive to be better but some days are are more of a challenge than others.

I will admit, I sometimes wish I could be more like that "other" mother. You know the one I am talking about. The one who seems to have it all together. I realize that not all things are as wonderful as they seem. We all know that it is easier to have more patience and keep ourselves grounded when surrounded by other parents. Yeah, I am sure some of you are reading this and think that one should always maintain themselves even when not in front of others. Sure, but are those people human?!

Every situation is different. Each child is different. Each home and family has its own set of challenges and small mountains to climb and conquer.

I guess I just don't want to feel like I am the only one who harbor's these feelings. I know, I am just one is a sea of mommy's who struggle with this. That is why I am writing about it. Lately I have felt stuck in this notion that I am just not getting it right. That I am not being my best. Some nights I lay down in my bed wondering how I could have done it better. I lay there promising that tomorrow I will get it right. 

I want my children to have memories of their mother that don't have the words "crazy" or "scary" in them. I want them to know that even through those "moments", that I love them fiercely. I want them to feel how my heart swells for them and though mommy may seem like she is losing it some days, that she would never trade a second of it. In every moment of chaos there is love.

I am learning. Some days struggling. Failing.

Then I hear the laughter. I join in the dancing in the living room. I watch the smiles on their faces. I may not earn mother of the year today or tomorrow. With every job we do most of us take time to climb the ladder of success and get where we want to be. I am climbing mine. Learning each and every day how to get this thing called "parenting" right. I'll get there. You will get there. There may be screaming, crying, and temper tantrums (I am not talking about the kids right now) but we will get to a place where we stop beating ourselves up and start toasting to the fact that we made it another day.

Cheers!

(It was Jesus himself who turned water into wine. Possibly he knew mothers everywhere would need this to get them through their parenting years. Well done Jesus, and Thank you!) 

 

Clickin Mama

If you walk into my house you will see pictures on my walls. Pictures strategically placed on walls in every room (except the bathroom, probably only because it is too small in there and the moisture would ruin them).  The majority of these photo's are of my children. A few of Jay and I, I have another of me and my brother when we were little. A picture of mom, Chase and I a few years back at the Making Strides Breast Cancer Walk. A shot of Jenna & I from her wedding. I have this key holder that has three pictures in it as well. That holds a few photo's from Italy, pictures with Jenna's dad who is no longer here (and dearly missed). In my bedroom I have a framed photo of my grandfather from when he was young. I also have a picture of my friend Deirdre & I from long ago. And one of my favorites, a picture of me and Chase from his newborn photo's.

Chase & Mama- 11 Days New

I love pictures. I always have. I love taking them. I have my camera with me most of the time. I don't ever want to chance missing a moment that I could freeze in time.

That is what the wonder is about photo's. They are frozen memories. Treasures that we can hold on to after the moment has passed.

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Papa Bissonnette

They are memories. Snippets from our lives that are captured. Sometimes stolen.

Jenna & Her Father~Taken 9/28/00 in Italy

They are reminders of the people in our lives. They can take you back to a special time, a place, a feeling.

Pictures are silent stories.

There are days that I take numbers of pictures. I love sharing my pictures. Showing people the beauty that surrounds me. Pictures filled with smiles, laughter, play and sometimes furry creatures.

I also am sure to have someone else catch moments, memories seen through someone eyes besides my own. Behind a different lens, those pictures have also become some of my most valuable treasures. I have my children photographed by my dear friend Jenn (from WILD cLOVEr Photography). I swear, this girl could take a picture of the ugliest bug and make it beautiful. She is a true artist and my walls are decorated with her talent.

I am sure my children will get annoyed with me chasing after them to get their picture. It is already a challenge to get Chase to smile for a picture, let alone sit still for one! Yet what I will have to offer them someday will be endless amounts of memories.

Chase feeding Wes black berries

Taken with love and pride.

Toes in The Sand

Growing up we took a family vacation every year. Once in awhile we would do something where we would have to travel a bit further (Pennsylvania, South Carolina, even Prince Edward Island). We never went anywhere we had to fly. The four of us would pile in my dad's Four Runner and we would be off to our destination. No, we never made it to Disney World. At 25, Whoops! I mean 35, I have never met Mickey Mouse.

As a family we did something even better in my book. We went camping every summer for a week. It was usually always the first week of July. We would go to Old Orchard Beach, Maine. We stayed at this place called Baileys Camp Resort. My parents had a pop up camper and we would get a site and this would become our home for the week. We went to the beach, LL Bean visits, visited lighthouses, and had marshmallows by the camp fire. 

I have very fond memories of vacationing with my folks. Even as we got to be teenagers it was still fun to go with my parents. We could safely roam the campground and make friends. It was always sad when the week came to an end.

I am thankful for those memories. I hold them dear to me.

Now it is my turn. Now it is up to me to hopefully create some of the same memories with my own family.

The first time we did our  family weekend it was in 2012. Chase was 17 months. I didn't intentionally pick Old Orchard Beach. Jason and I both love Maine so in deciding where to go for a family weekend it sounded perfect. Kid friendly, nice beaches, the boardwalk, and seafood! Jason had never been to Old Orchard Beach so it was his & Chase's first time.

Chase at OOB in 2012

We had a blast and this year will be our third year going. This time it will be Wesley's first time. We go this upcoming weekend and I am getting excited. I booked this 2 months ago and finally it is here. It will be nice to put aside work and ordinary life, to put our toes in the sand and enjoy one another.

It is time to create memories.

Lasting ones.

Happy ones.

The kind that when my sons are 35 they will be looking back smiling at what we created as a family. Then maybe just maybe, they will do it with their children.

The Glass Jar

A year ago I saw this clever thing on Pinterest that I wanted to try. So I did! The idea was to take a mason jar and fill it with happy moments and good things that happen through the year. Then on New Years Eve, take them out and read over all those things that had happened. I loved this idea and committed to doing it. In the end I wanted to take those moments and make a scrap book out of them.

A year passed, 2014 rolled in, and I was possibly, with out doubt, too intoxicated to remember the damn jar. It wasn't until last week I opened it up and looked through it. I had decided to not just make them happy thing but also funny things. I even used funky scissors to cut the paper and had little pieces ready to write on. It made me smile to read a few of them. Yet truth be told I was disappointed in the number of moments counted. I feel I forgot about this jar more than I used it.

I have decided that I am going to give it another try. I will move the jar from the shelf it sat on to a new place. I haven't figured exactly where just yet but if I see it everyday then maybe that will help. I think adding the funny moments is another flare to this jar. Laughter is very important to me. There is not a sound I love more than hearing my children laugh. (Wesley just started belly laughs! It just makes me smile!)

I want to to be more aware of all the happy things that happen. I want to be sure to celebrate these moments and look back on them with a smile and a full heart. Then if I can put these in a scrap book I will be able to hand down these memories to my children. I want them to know just how much I treasured each one.

Just reading the picture above brings me back to how I felt in that moment. This is what the Glass Jar is all about. Reliving those special moments that pass by. To feel them again, to never forget them. To pass on a memory.

Making Memories

Every family has their own traditions that they do. Some are handed down from when they were younger as with others are created and made in hopes to carry on.

This past weekend was Vermont Maple Open House Weekend. Last year was the first year we took part in this. I picked three sugar houses that we would try. I vowed last year that we would continue this as a new tradition for our family. This year we actually hit 5! Chase wasn't into it as much as I would have liked but he is still young. It wasn't until the third Sugar House that he gave in to having some syrup and then was hooked!


I want my children to grow up and look back on some of our memories and not only love that we did these things, yet also do them with their own family some day. 

We took the late morning and afternoon and drove from Colchester, to Williston and finished in Shelburne.  These people are so proud of what they do. And they should be! There is a lot of  work that goes into making maple syrup. I also want my children to know this. I want them to respect how hard people work to do what they love.

Poor Farm Sugar Works, Colchester, VT

Let's not forget the yummy factor! The best part is tasting samples. We had samples of syrup, maple cake, whoopie pies, donuts and cotton candy! Sugar does help to make life a little sweeter. We didn't get enough, I had to make breakfast for dinner last night, blueberry pancakes with Vermont Maple Syrup of coarse!