Tuesday, March 24, 2015

What I Fear The Most

I wonder if they will remember the walks we took while talking about the farm and the cows. Will they remember cooking with me in the kitchen and making our signature energy balls that we renamed "Yummy Balls"? Maybe the memories will not be moments but the smell of Christmas trees. Reminding them how we went to go cut down our tree each and every year; trudging through snow while mama was the one to pick out the perfect tree that we would take home. It could be the sound of waves splashing bringing them back to the summers when we would go to the ocean. The walks we would take hand in hand on the beach looking for "treasures".

Will they remember how they loved the animals in our house and how forgiving each pet was to tiny hands grabbing at tails and those little feet using them as a step stool? What about the time we went to adopt our cat and he was given the name "Horsey"? A name that was decided on weeks before we had ever met the big, black cat not knowing how fitting his name would be.

What about when when Chase fell on our walk and hurt his knee? I scooped him up and carried him, even though I was carrying his brother on my back. Will they recall they countless times I wiped away tears from their face even when it was nothing more than the wrong fork that was given to them?

Then there are the nights that we lay there in bed with them wishing them to sleep. Will they remember the way we held them close and whispered stories and shared laughter long after they should have been asleep? The moments when they were sick and we held them close and promised they would be better soon as we fought back our own tears because it broke our hearts that we couldn't magically make them better.

I think of these things often as I am laying in bed and I can hear the breathing of my youngest, Wesley, as he sleeps next to me. I think of these things when it is the middle of the night. I think of these things when I go into Chase's room to kiss him one more time; for the third or fourth time. These thoughts dance around in my mind even as I go for a run. I never seem to escape the presence of my children. They are with me, within me, even when I am apart from them. I think about how lucky I am. How incredible this gift of life is. I feel my heart tighten at the brief thought of never seeing them again.

What would I leave behind for my children to hold on to?

Which moments will have become a part of their treasure chest of memories we created together?

Most importantly...

Will they be able to always feel my love?

Love: That raging fire that lives within me because of them. That light that shines in my soul because they chose me to be their mother. The joy that they bring, knowing without a doubt, they are the one thing that I have done right.

I think these things often.

Death, it is what I fear the most. I have always feared death and the unknown. I believe in an afterlife, I believe in God. Yet those things have never comforted me when I think about dying. When I allow myself to go to that place I feel anxiety and terror. I feel as though someone is squeezing my heart. Tears well up in my eyes and I have to take a moment to breathe.

This fear has gotten worse since having children. I want to be able to watch them grow. I want to see my children through all their milestones. I want to be there, not just for today, but for all the days of their lives. To see their first football game, their first date, prom, marriage, and watch them become fathers some day.

The unknown is terrifying to me. Not being with my children scares me even more.

What if I had to leave them behind...what would they remember about me? What moments would they hold on to?

Life is short. Life is precious. Life is a gift. 

When I go to this place it is a reminder that I need to make each moment count. Every second must be looked at as a treasure. It is a reminder to slow down. It is a gentle hand on my shoulder pulling me back, whispering to be in this moment, right now!

As I am writing this I glance over and see them playing together and I am consumed by the love I have for them. How was it possible that I created these two amazing creatures? How is it possible that each day I love them even more?

I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know where life will take us in another year or ten. What I do know is that I do have some control over what happens right now. I must remember:

Make each moment count!

Thank you for stopping by! What are some of your fears? 

If you liked it please share it!

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Jumping Off A Cliff


  1. Ugh, yes. Worst fear of mine too!

    1. I wish I could rid myself of it but can't. I don't think I will ever be OK with it.

  2. As someone who has lost their mama.... yes, they will remember :)

  3. So true about how our kids are always present with us. I think it is a fear of every parent to leave their children without a parent. I worry about what happens when I'm not with them too, especially now that I have one in school.

    1. My four year old started preschool this year. It is only a couple of days a week and the beginning was so hard. I still have days where putting him on the bus is hard. I am not sure it will ever get easy. I think we just adapt.

  4. Beautiful post Crystal,

    I have twin toddlers and I'm a freelance writer and I often wonder if I'm working too much? They are growing up before my eyes and I have to stop and be present for them!

    Thanks for your post!


    1. Thank You Elna. I always feel guilty working or taking anytime for myself. I know it is important but I know it all goes by so fast.

  5. Beautiful thoughts, Crystal. Being a mother is the most wonderful, most heart-wrenching thing we do. I've lost both parents (my father while I was a toddler), and have lost 5 children. Even through the pain, the joy is worth it!
    Your boys are so blessed to have a mama who truly loves them. They know it. Keep pouring it on - and show them Jesus through your life.
    Thanks for sharing.

  6. Thank you for the reminder to make each moment count. Sometimes it's hard to remember to stop, but then one day you realize years have passed.

  7. I was just thinking about this last night - I'm already going to be 52 this year, my life is surely more than halfway over. My boys are just turning into adults - 16 and 18, I came into motherhood late, and because they're my stepchildren, I missed their precious early years - i married their father when they were 5 and 7. I want to be around to see them be successful! I want to see grandchildren! I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want it to happen too soon.