Making Time For Me Without The Fear And Guilt

Now that I have children most everything I do revolves around them. I can't take a piss or even wipe my ass by myself. Shopping means I do it with two little creatures with me, some days I feel like I have a circus of monkeys with me. I even share my bed with one of them, he sleeps comfortably in the middle as I hang on for dear life on the edge. I am not complaining, I wouldn't have it any other way. I wished them, dreamed of them, and finally was blessed with them. 

The one thing that I have neglected as a mother is myself. I have lost a piece of me in this new role as mom and forgotten who that other girl was years ago. Believe me, parts of her are better left in the past. Yet underneath all the laundry, diapers, and matchbox cars there is a woman who needs to take time for herself.

It is so easy to get lost in everyday routine and forget how important it is to do things for yourself. For me this is what running has become to me. It serves as my therapy, my church, and my personal time to reflect. It is my time to give back something to myself. I need to get out there and I make the time to do it. I don't go out much and most of the time I see my friends it is with small children in tow. We call them "Play dates" but really they should be called "Mommy arranged this so you could go play and mommy can have an adult conversation". Okay, so that is a little long. We could just refer to it as a "Mommy Date".  I remember a girl who use to love being on a dance floor until the bars closed. I didn't have to worry about waking early to change diapers and do obscene amounts of laundry. That girl always made time for herself. 

My children have made me a new woman. I keep learning new things about her along the way. This woman hates being away from her children. They come first and I don't even have to think twice about it. Being away from them makes my heart feel heavy; as though there is this gigantic empty space within me when they are not there. 

I am getting better at being away from them. Two weeks ago my husband and I had date night. It felt freeing that I was able to go enjoy some quality time with him without worrying how the boys were and not rushing to eat my food and get down a couple of drinks before getting back to them. This weekend I also went out to dinner with three of my dear friends. Just four women sitting in a nice restaurant enjoying one another's company. Four mom's who love their children immensely yet also need one another.

I love being with my children yet I also need to have healthy and happy relationships with my husband and my close friends. This means taking the time to spend with these people without my children around. Most importantly, it is remembering that it is OK to take time away from them. Going for a run, going out on a date or spending time with my girlfriends is not selfish. Doing these things are essential to being a better mother.

I need to take care of myself and do things that make me happy. I need to honor the woman I am and allow myself to do things without my children. A part of me feels that there will be plenty of time when they are out of the house someday and right now I need to soak up as much of them as I can. This is true, they are only little once. This is where the guilt comes in when I am away. Then my mind takes me to crazy places. I am terrified of something happening to them if I am not there. Then there are times when I am without them I fear something will happen to me and I won't be able to be there for them. I can't imagine life without my children and I never want to leave them without a mother.

It's that fear that makes it difficult for me to walk out the door. That same fear that tugs at me saying I don't need to go out. I am working on overcoming that fear and living my life without it. I just can't help my mind going to these places. When I do I feel my heart tighten and it feels like someone is standing on my chest. The tears collect in my eyes as I try to blink the images away from my mind and breathe. 

Fear will not win this battle. I will continue to do my best to be thankful for each and every moment I have with my children. I will enjoy their laughter and screeches of joy. I will make memories and share moments with them that we will talk about for years to come. I will also try harder to make more time for myself. It doesn't always have to be going out. It can be as simple as taking time to read a book or going for that run. 

Making memories with our children and being happy means mommy needs to be happy too. We have to remember that in order to take care of these little creatures we have to first take care of ourselves. If we want happy, healthy children we have to live that. We are the most important examples they see. Our children learn so much by watching us. Our children become reflections of who we are.

I am working on it, but I vow to try to be better about taking more time for me. I want to be the best I can be for my children so I will be sure to take time to do some of the things that make me happy, without the fear or guilt. I will go for my runs and lose myself in the steps I take. I will make sure my husband and I take the time for one another because one day it will be back to him and I. I will make more dates with my girlfriends so we can laugh about this chaotic ride called motherhood. I deserve it!

Turning Water Into Wine

There are some days that I feel like I am getting a hang of this thing called parenthood. I can juggle what feels like a million things and manage to keep both boys alive until bed. Then I wake up and do it all over again the next day. And then there are other days where I wonder how the fuck I am going to make it past the next temper tantrum or attempted murder by toddler (I am convinced he is trying to kill his little brother). I try. I do. Each day I try to be a little better. A little more patient. A little more gentle. A little more accepting. Some days I succeed more than others. Those others, they make me want to start the day over and try again.

I wonder, did Mary ever have this problem with Jesus. Okay, so I get it, Mary had more patience than ten woman combined. I wonder though, did Jesus ever have act like my three year old? Did he ever get time outs? (Insert sarcasm here people) I am just saying, I am not a saint. I strive to be better but some days are are more of a challenge than others.

I will admit, I sometimes wish I could be more like that "other" mother. You know the one I am talking about. The one who seems to have it all together. I realize that not all things are as wonderful as they seem. We all know that it is easier to have more patience and keep ourselves grounded when surrounded by other parents. Yeah, I am sure some of you are reading this and think that one should always maintain themselves even when not in front of others. Sure, but are those people human?!

Every situation is different. Each child is different. Each home and family has its own set of challenges and small mountains to climb and conquer.

I guess I just don't want to feel like I am the only one who harbor's these feelings. I know, I am just one is a sea of mommy's who struggle with this. That is why I am writing about it. Lately I have felt stuck in this notion that I am just not getting it right. That I am not being my best. Some nights I lay down in my bed wondering how I could have done it better. I lay there promising that tomorrow I will get it right. 

I want my children to have memories of their mother that don't have the words "crazy" or "scary" in them. I want them to know that even through those "moments", that I love them fiercely. I want them to feel how my heart swells for them and though mommy may seem like she is losing it some days, that she would never trade a second of it. In every moment of chaos there is love.

I am learning. Some days struggling. Failing.

Then I hear the laughter. I join in the dancing in the living room. I watch the smiles on their faces. I may not earn mother of the year today or tomorrow. With every job we do most of us take time to climb the ladder of success and get where we want to be. I am climbing mine. Learning each and every day how to get this thing called "parenting" right. I'll get there. You will get there. There may be screaming, crying, and temper tantrums (I am not talking about the kids right now) but we will get to a place where we stop beating ourselves up and start toasting to the fact that we made it another day.

Cheers!

(It was Jesus himself who turned water into wine. Possibly he knew mothers everywhere would need this to get them through their parenting years. Well done Jesus, and Thank you!) 

 

Not forgetting how this all started

I just made reservations for Valentine's Day. This will make exactly a year since Jay and I have been out together, alone! No kids! Really a year, I am not shitting you on this. Last year on Valentines Day I was prego. Which meant no sushi or alcohol. This year I am indulging!

You probably are wondering how it has been a year. Some would say it is crazy, maybe a bit unhealthy. They say to be sure to do dates and spend alone time together especially after having children. Yes, we probably should do it more. My kids are small though. I love being around them, I want them around! It's not that we don't go do things or go out to eat, we do, but usually with kids in tow. We don't have a baby sitter and the only place I leave my kids is with my parents. I don't like leaving them. Every second I am away from them all I do is think about them. If just for a short time, I miss them terribly.

Let's  not also forget it takes money to go out. We are raising two boys, money is not growing on trees these days. 

I look at it that years will go by, they won't be little. Some day they are not going to want to hang out with mommy. There will be football, dates, parties and all these other things mommy will no longer get to be a part of. I don't want to miss moments with them. I want to be a part of creating moments with my children. To make memories that I will be able to look back on when I am sitting with their father on a porch some day, drinking a beer and laughing over this or that.

Maternity Photo While Pregnant with Wes. Taken by the amazing Wild Clover Photography.

It was him and I before them. It will be us after they leave. We created this beautiful family together. These boys came from love.

It is easy to lose sight of this from time to time. Children, as we all know, change things. There are ups and downs. Good days and bad. I know it will take effort, love, patience and understanding to make this relationship not only last, but also grow.

I do my best to be a good partner and mother. The two do go hand in hand. It's a balance. Like sitting on a teeter totter and waiting for your feet to touch the ground. Hoping that one day we do still look at one another and feel the love we did when we created this family.

With this being said, I am excited for our date. Though I am sure most of our conversation will fall back to the boys, it will still be nice to sit there with one another. Just him & I.

"A mother is something absoultely new"

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” - Rajneesh

I just came across this quote and thought it fit perfect for me and this bog. I think many of us can relate to this. That's the beauty of it, that we as women can come together on being mothers. We need to be there for one another: to love, support, give guidance, and mostly, to just listen! It may be each woman's own journey, but one should never feel she is in it alone. As beautiful as it is, some days it is tough stuff! We need one another! Remember this mama's.

Happy Monday! More to come later when I don't have a toddler requesting me and a baby stirring from his sleep!