What I have been taught

In just over a couple of weeks it seems mind boggling to me that I will be celebrating my babies FIRST BIRTHday. Seriously, can someone please pinch me now?! I can honestly say the past year has flown by. It saddens me that he will be turning into a "toddler" soon. I assure you though that the title "Baby Wesley", as we call him at home, will most likely follow him for years to come.

Over the past year there have been many changes and discoveries. This Blog is called "Discovering Me In Them" for a reason. I went from being a full time mom who also worked full time to being a SAHM working part time. I thought I would reflect on some of the things I have learned about myself in the past year and what this year has taught me.

* When they tell you it is the hardest job you will ever have they are not kidding! I heard it several times and it is not that I didn't believe them, I just didn't completely understand it until now. Some days are down right exhausting and I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions. Others are filled with play and laughter. This job is unpredictable and challenging. It is without a doubt the hardest job I have ever had. On the other side of it I have never had a job give back so much in return. I can't imagine one moment without these little creatures not at my feet or pulling at me with those dirty, sticky little hands.

* I always thought I was a patient person until...wait...can you guess?  Until I had kids! I thought I could be softer and much more patient than I am some days. This actually disappoints me, kind of even hurts some days. I have to practice patience daily. There are days I manage to succeed while other days I fail miserably. This is one of those lessons that they are teaching me.

* Forgiveness. I do this daily. I have come to terms that there will be many fails as a parent. I have found that the longer I dwell on the mistakes I make the harder it is to let go and move on. Parenting is learning as you go. You have to forgive yourself in order to move forward. I tend to be my biggest critic. Each day I vow to try harder than the next. I am bound to figure it out and get it right sooner or later right?!

* Working part time and staying home has taught me balance. It wasn't easy in the first few months. I had to try find where work fit into my life after making the decision to stay home with my boys. Working from home some days is not a luxury as some people may think. Have you ever tried to make a phone call with kids around? It always seems like a good idea to do a little work when they are playing or napping. Then it happens, you pick up the phone and suddenly all hell breaks loose! There are days which I have to leave for work and being that I am with them most of the time I still struggle to feel okay with working and being away from them. There are days I wonder if it will ever feel okay. Will I adapt as they seem to do? It is a balance that I am working on still a year later but happy to say I am getting better at.

* I have been taught that these moments with my children are priceless. I may not know what a lunch break is, how to take a piss by myself, or always shower without worrying if one of the kids will be dead when I get out, but that is all okay! The past year has flown by. Shit, the past 4 years have flown by! I am happy and blessed for each and every single moment. I would not change where I am right now because for me this is exactly how it is suppose to be for me.

* The past year has taught me to be gracious for everything. Even the smallest of things. I appreciate what I have and though I have to admit there are days I would love a big house, a new car, or maybe even a new wardrobe (oh and bra's! Seriously, I don't even know the last time I bought a nice bra), that all those things are only material items. It is the people who I am surrounded with that make life incredible.

I am sure if I had more time (Time? What is that?) I may have been able to come up with 10 or maybe even 15 things to write about. I wonder if in another year I will look back on this list and find that life has gotten less crazy. Maybe I will have adapted more. Or maybe in a year this list will still be the same. Really, it doesn't matter. I feel I am right where I was meant to be. This past year I feel like I have come to a place where I feel truly happy and fulfilled. This place now, this is where I have always wanted to be. At the end of any day that is the meaning of all of this. It is all any of us ever want, pure happiness.

Two Words

Ten years ago I lived in Massachusetts. As Vermont is my home, Massachusetts will always be home as well. I moved there right before I was 21. I finished college and wanted to move somewhere else to start my "new life". It was far enough away to spread my wings, yet close enough that if I needed to get home I could. I loved it there. My friends became my new family. Many of those people are still in my life today. I am beyond fortunate to have these amazing friends. It doesn't feel like that long ago I was there. I had left here at 20 saying I would never come back. Here I am, almost 15 years later back in Vermont.

I saw something the other day and it got me thinking. I will share it with you and ask you to answer the question for yourself as well.

My answer came quickly, easily. My Two words: Be Patient.

I think of many instances throughout the years that if I would have listened to these words maybe my heart wouldn't have been broken. There may have been less tears, more laughter. I would have made better choices. I would have counted my blessings instead of wishing for more.

Don't get me wrong, I am a true believer in that everything happens for a reason. That even our mistakes help to shape and mold us. Each moment becomes of us what we choose it to be. I wouldn't  change one thing I did. Not even the ugliest of mistakes. I am not perfect. I never will be. What is perfection anyhow?! I believe in being the very best you can be. Live life with honesty, kindness and love and it will all fall into place. Those little things we feel guilty about can be forgiven.

Be Patient.

The definition of Patience : the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can take before negativity.

Patience is something I work on everyday. Some days it being much harder than others. Many days praying I had more and hoping the next day it will come easier to me. I envy those people that make patience look so easy. I consider myself to be optimistic. I do my best to try to find the good in every situation and person.

Patience has taught me to be thankful. I am blessed. I have everything I need within my home and heart. I may not have known 10 years ago that life would turn out as it has, there wasn't that little voice whispering to be patient. I am not sure what the next 10 years will offer me. What I do know is I will do my best, I will try to be patient and always be thankful.

Not forgetting how this all started

I just made reservations for Valentine's Day. This will make exactly a year since Jay and I have been out together, alone! No kids! Really a year, I am not shitting you on this. Last year on Valentines Day I was prego. Which meant no sushi or alcohol. This year I am indulging!

You probably are wondering how it has been a year. Some would say it is crazy, maybe a bit unhealthy. They say to be sure to do dates and spend alone time together especially after having children. Yes, we probably should do it more. My kids are small though. I love being around them, I want them around! It's not that we don't go do things or go out to eat, we do, but usually with kids in tow. We don't have a baby sitter and the only place I leave my kids is with my parents. I don't like leaving them. Every second I am away from them all I do is think about them. If just for a short time, I miss them terribly.

Let's  not also forget it takes money to go out. We are raising two boys, money is not growing on trees these days. 

I look at it that years will go by, they won't be little. Some day they are not going to want to hang out with mommy. There will be football, dates, parties and all these other things mommy will no longer get to be a part of. I don't want to miss moments with them. I want to be a part of creating moments with my children. To make memories that I will be able to look back on when I am sitting with their father on a porch some day, drinking a beer and laughing over this or that.

Maternity Photo While Pregnant with Wes. Taken by the amazing Wild Clover Photography.

It was him and I before them. It will be us after they leave. We created this beautiful family together. These boys came from love.

It is easy to lose sight of this from time to time. Children, as we all know, change things. There are ups and downs. Good days and bad. I know it will take effort, love, patience and understanding to make this relationship not only last, but also grow.

I do my best to be a good partner and mother. The two do go hand in hand. It's a balance. Like sitting on a teeter totter and waiting for your feet to touch the ground. Hoping that one day we do still look at one another and feel the love we did when we created this family.

With this being said, I am excited for our date. Though I am sure most of our conversation will fall back to the boys, it will still be nice to sit there with one another. Just him & I.