Breastfeeding to me is a magical thing. I feel fortunate that I have been able to do this for my children. I will never regret this decision. With that being said there are some moments these days where I just want my body back! There, I said it! It's my body! I created, carried and birthed two amazing little creatures with this vessel. The body is an amazing thing. The fact that I can make milk is mind blowing to me. Honestly, I am exhausted!
I don't want to sound like I am bitching or taking it for granted. I still do love nursing. Lately, these days and nights though, Wesley has been a little excessive in wanting to nurse. It's not like he is this tiny, little six pounds, eight ounce baby anymore. I now have a toddler who is nursing just as much as he did when I brought him home. Sleeping is almost non existent these days. I find myself getting frustrated because I just want to fucking sleep! Isn't that a simple request?!
|Taken at Wesley's One year photo shoot|
I feel like a human pacifier most of the time. He falls, he wants to nurse. It's nap time, he wants to nurse. He wakes up, he wants to nurse. He's bored, he wants to nurse. I feel little hands grabbing at me, pulling on my shirt. I look down and see tears rolling down his cheek as he screeches. I do say no some days, but most of the time I give in.
Yes, nursing gives me fabulous boobs. Right now they are just perfect. I should probably take a picture because soon enough they will be wilted and hanging to my knees. My body has been tackled by the changes brought on by motherhood. I have extra skin where I don't want it. A large scar "commemorating" the birth of both my boys. My hair is thin from massive amounts of hair that has fallen out. Soon the ladies will be right behind all of it...dragging!
This is the battle between my body and my baby. I want to give my child this incredible gift, yet I also want my body back. No, I do not want to wean him. Some of you might be reading this thinking that it would be the simple solution. I still want to nurse him and it is far from simple. I know I will miss these days, he is my last baby. There will be no more holding my children in my arms and nursing them to sleep. I tell myself these frustrating moments will soon be memories I will be yearning to get back. I do not want to feel selfish or ungrateful. I chose to nurse my children for them, not me.
When my child wants to be next to me, when those little hands are grabbing at me, or when my son wants my attention, this is exactly what I must always remember: It is all about them, not me. I know it is important to still do things for myself, to grow in my own personal way. For me, it is also important to remember why I chose to nurse in the first place. It's pretty evident, the baby wins this battle.