When Fear Gets In The Way

One of my favorite things about running is my time alone. In the summer many of my runs are done as the sun is rising and morning mist meets the grass. I love the way the sunlight reflects off of it, tiny beads of water that shine like lights. The early morning sky displaying colors of pinks and reds painting the sky with it's beauty. I love the stillness in the air; the only sound is my feet on the pavement and the sound of my breath. I have said it before, the road is my church.

What happens when fear gets in the way of those runs? When it starts to scare you before you even get out there; fear that you are not safe. I practice safety on all my runs. If it is early I am sure to run main roads or neighborhoods I am familiar with. I carry mace with me in my running belt along with my phone. I am a strong woman yet that does not mean I am safe. None of it does. You can practice safety each and every day, on every run. Evil is out there and sadly none of us are ever truly safe. 

I had just finished a eight and a half mile run on Saturday morning. I was just around the corner from my house. I was so close! I had a great run this morning. I had set out to do five but found myself farther out than I had planned. I would be heading with my family to Rhode Island for the night for my bestie and her hubby's epic summer party they throw every year. I was in a wonderful mood and feeling happy. A gold car drove by soon after I finished my run. I couldn't tell you what make or model it was, but I am sure I could point it out again if I saw it. The car beeped and waved. I thought it was someone I may know in town and without hesitation I waved back. I didn't think much of it in the moment, I am a friendly person and returning a hello is important to me. (BTW, I hate when other runners don't say HI! Big pet peeve!) 

I was a few hundred yards away from where I needed to turn to get to my street when the car had turned around and was waiting at the intersection. Right away I felt nervous. Something didn't feel right to me and I can usually trust my gut. The man who was around my age, maybe a little younger, called out asking if I was Tanya. I replied no to which he creepily responded : "That's too bad." WTF! What did that even mean. I continued to walk which was only bringing me closer to the car. There was no traffic. No other walkers or runners. I felt so far from my house even though it was just around the corner. He then asked me how my run was. He started babbling about what a nice morning it was. I am not sure I heard everything he was saying. I was nervous. I didn't trust him. I did have my phone in my hand and was trying to figure out in my head what I would do if he got out of his car. It felt like ten minutes when in reality it was probably more like two or three minutes. Then he decided to drive off. He was gone and I was safe.

Who knows if this person had any intent. I hate to think that every person out there is bad, but reality is I need to be cautious, we all need to be cautious. I wish we lived in a world where there was more trust yet sadly we don't. The recent tragedies of fellow runners Alexandra Nicolette Bruger, Karina Vetrano, and Vanessa Marcotte hit close to home. All three were amazing women with so much ahead of them. Strong, independent and aspiring women who were taken from their loved ones. That could be any one of us out there running. Those women are more than just names that flash across the screen. They left their houses that day to embrace their time on the road. The one place they most likely felt at home was taken from them. They were taken from their family, their friends and from the running community. My heart aches for their families and the pain they have endured over the way these women lost their lives so unfairly.

Yes, their tragedies have put fear into me. As women runners I believe we are more of a target than male runners. Sadly, no matter how strong or fierce of the woman, evil itself is a strong force. As a woman runner I will not let this stop me from running, yet I will be sure that I do what I can to keep myself safe. I will do my best to be mindful. And always, trust my gut.

A few things we should always practice: Always carry mace! Tell your loved ones where you are running. Switch up your routes when you run. Be sure to have a phone with you. Run in areas where you will always be seen. 

I vow not to let anyone ever take my passion of running away. I would like to think I will be one of those old ladies still doing 5K's when she is 80. Will I let fear get in the way? No, I will allow it to make me more cautious and practice safety. Fear will not take away what is important to me. Running is far more to me than just a way to stay in shape. It is where I find peace and solace. Running is where I can reflect and take the time to appreciate life and all it has given. The road is my safety blanket, the one place I can be and really connect with who I am. It is where I can give back to myself while being grateful that I am able to run. Nothing can take that away from me!


Other Posts:
Running On Memories
The A,B,C's Of A Runner


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A Safe Place For Our Children

I remember it like it was just yesterday, playing in the yard as a child with my brother. Barbie and G.I. Joe colliding  to save the day. Matchbox cars driving through dirt and mud. Magnifying glasses used to burn Japanese beetles. In the winter we built snow  forts. We built them high, made tunnels, and pretended it was our home. We played for hours on end never caring to spend time in the house. My parents wouldn't have let us anyway, if it was light and not freezing out we were expected to play outside. My mother could always just peek out the window to check on us. The echo's of our laughter and play could fill the air without much adult supervision. We were free, we were exploring, we were playing as children should, yet most of all...we were safe.

My oldest son,Chase, is almost five (next month!! Not sure how the hell that is even possible!) This kid loves to be outside. He loves to be active, to explore and be the boy he is. Dirt, stones, acorns, tree branches and worms are fascinating to him. His little mind is full of wonder and imagination. We are fortunate to live in a place where there are children around his age right next door and behind our house. Chase loves his buddies and the second he sees them outside he wants to be right there with them. I trust him and I know that he can be outside without direct supervision. I know he won't go near the road or roam off. He just wants to play. I trust him, but I don't trust the world in which he lives in.

It is the same thing when we go visit my folks. They live in a safe neighborhood with a fenced in yard. It's the same yard I played in growing up. I have to admit I have a hard time letting my son outside without me being right there. I get anxious and nervous, peering out the window to watch his little self enjoying the same things I did at his age. It's not the same. It is not the same world it was when I was growing up. What is safe anymore? What has this world turned into for our children?

I fear leaving my kids each time I do. The fear starts as mommy guilt, goes to "What if something happens to them", to "What if something happen to me?" and "What if someone hurts them?" That feeling of safety is no longer there for our children. It is filled with worry and dread. Trust has been thrown out the door and belief in kindness has been replaced with fear of our fellow human beings. It is utterly sad for me that my children will never be safe the way I was.

School use to be a safe place to be. I don't have any memories of shootings in schools the way our children will. It is unpredictable. It is her child, his child, and maybe even my child. No parent raises a child to be a killer, yet there are so many shootings involving our youth. None of those parents expect it or deserve it. It causes pain and grief for everyone. My heart aches for the parent that loses their child to such senselessness. I cannot even fathom the feeling those parents have when they receive word that their child will not be coming home. I hope to have to never experience what that pain is. I hope even more that my children never have to witness evil the way so many of our youth have.

It hurts my heart in a way that makes it difficult to even put into words. I wish my children could have the youth I once had. I want them to be able to explore, play and imagine without so many restrictions. Then comes the harsh reality that I cannot protect them from all of these evils. I cannot stop any of this from happening. I also cannot and will not stop them from living. I know how important it is for my children to BE CHILDREN! It's that simple yet so complicated all at once. I can't put my children in a bubble, and I wouldn't. They deserve to have what we did. They need to be able to experience life for all the wonderful things that it is.

I want a safe place for my children, for our children. I want a place without pain, sadness, grief and evil. That safety has to come from within the walls of our homes. It starts each morning as we get them up and every night as we kiss them before bed. It is in our arms as we hold them tight. It is in our words when we tell them we love them.

We cannot stop what goes on outside our homes. What we can do is practice acts of kindness. We can talk to our children and teach them about the power of love. We can teach them what peace is. It is not simple nor can just one person create safety for our children. It takes an army of us to protect our children: It's teachers, law enforcement and other parents; It is coaches, mentors and friends. I am thankful for the tribe which helps to raise and teach my children. I need them, you need them and our children need them.


This post is dedicated to the 20 young souls of Sandy Brook and their teachers, who left this world three years ago yesterday. May their memory bring comfort, peace and strength to their loved ones.

Cold Weather Running: Staying Warm And Safe

It's a new week and almost a new month. It is bringing us closer to...Christmas! Alright, let's get real, this post has nothing to do with Christmas. I will at least wait until after Thanksgiving to go "there". Let's talk about the fact that I live in New England and the temps are getting a bit more chilly. I am sharing a post I did last year regarding cold weather running along with staying safe. I updated it some and it feels like the perfect time to reintroduce this post.

As many of you know by now, I am a runner. I love running. I love how it makes me feel, how it keeps me in shape, how it strengthens my body and my mind. Who needs therapy when you have a good pair of running shoes?! If you know me well then you also know that I hate winter and being cold. I truly do dislike winter. Here's a confession: I grew up in Vermont and have never been skiing! I also have no desire to, I am so klutzy I would be that person to run into a tree. Despite my feelings toward the cold this will be the 5th winter in a row I run in the cold temps and snow.

I don't own a treadmill and I don't have a gym membership. I love having my feet hit the pavement and I am not about to stop because of the cold. I have grown accustomed to cold weather running. Three years ago I said I would not run if it got below 20 degrees. That was before Vermont got hit with some cold winters and my addiction for running got the best of me. In time I found myself out running when it was -10 degrees. When it came down to it the cold did not stop me. I would conquer it, even if I did come home with frosty lashes. I have learned how to dress appropriately for the weather. Once you master that, you don't get cold. I do hate layers and I prefer running in less. I have figured it out and can get away with thin but warm gear and while being comfortable during my runs.

What you wear also includes wearing the right shoe for winter running. I tend to go with a trail running shoe that offer a good tread. Other runners like to use WinterTrax, Yak Trax or Ice Treads. It is different for each person, just be sure you are comfortable and it feels right for you. Also be sure to keep those feet warm and choose a good sock! 

With the change of seasons brings darkness much earlier. I prefer running in the morning and am a much better and happier runner. Due to family schedules and work some of my runs are in the late afternoon or early evening. Not only am I pushed into running in the cold, I am surrounded by darkness at the end of my runs. Safety is important when it is dark. You need to be able to see, yet more importantly: you need to be sure that YOU are seen by others! I wear a reflective vest, head lamp and use Knuckle Lights. (If you don't know what Knuckle Lights are you should check these out! Visibility is great when I use these. I had a man tell me last year that the lights looked pretty when I was running with them.)

My husband gets worried about me running in the dark and wants to be sure I am safe. He has equipped me with hand held mace (let's hope I don't spray myself) and Duracell Safety Armbands. I actually really like having the armbands. As where my headlamp and Knucklights give me visibility, the armbands allows drivers behind me to know that I am there. I do my best to run where it is safe though there are routes, and even the street where I live, that does not have a sidewalk and I am running alongside the road. 

It is harder for me to get into my runs when it is dark out. I still enjoy it yet I feel like I put so much energy focusing on staying safe that I don't get to loose myself in my runs as I usually do. I have talked about it before; running for me is spiritual as well as physical. When I am running at night I have to pay close attention to my surroundings. It is a constant focus on completing my run safely.

My monthly miles will be much less. I try to keep up with my running schedule though my runs are not as long as they would be if it were perfect running temps (for me that is right now, 40 to 50 is when I like to be out there). This just means I will do more cross training and work on other areas of my body until it starts to warms up.

So here we are. Winter is almost here and now it is cold and dark. I have to discipline myself to get out there. I love running, but the elements of my run I don't always enjoy. I have to push much harder and some days give myself a pep talk. Determination fills me so I can get my ass out there on my running days no matter what the weather is. I have run in sun, rain and snow. I would rather run than regret not running. I don't ever come home wishing I had not gone for that run. 

Bundle up, stay safe, and Happy Running!!

 
“Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up.” ~ Dean Karnazes

Love, Compassion, Trust & Safety: Where did it go?

I am not into TV. I could pretty much do without it. If the TV is on in the living room while I am home it is usually Disney Junior that is on. When I do watch TV it is at night time when I am laying in bed waiting for sleep to take me to a happy place. I pretty much go between three shows: Big Bang Theory, Pawn Stars or anything on ID (Investigation Discovery). Some nights I need to laugh. Some nights I need brain stimulation (I love seeing all the old things that come into the pawn shop and the history behind it). Then there are those nights I need some intrigue. I am hooked on ID! Shows like Swamp Murders, Evil Kin, Dateline, Blood Relatives, Nightmare Next Door, and the new one: Surviving Evil. Most of these shows come with some pretty disturbing details. Some sad,others down right unbelievably heartbreaking. Yet I am drawn to these shows.

They say it is like a train wreck, you just can't help but watch. Part of it is the excitement of catching the bad guy in the end. It does terrify me that such evil lurks in some people. I have fucked up dreams sometimes after watching an episode of one of these shows. One time I had a dream that Jason killed someone and cut them into pieces and burned their body.  Years later he was caught but as his partner I kept it a secret. Just last week I had another dream that an one of my clients, from a previous clinic I use to work at, held me and some friends hostage and attempted to kill us all with an injection of something pink. I woke up right before it was going to be my turn. WTF right! Maybe I should stop watching thee shows. Yeah, probably not likely to happen.

What it has also done is instill into me that people are untrustworthy. You never really know a person do you? It is always in some small, safe town that these kidnapping and murders seems to occur. A neighbor, a co worker and even your partner that you have always trusted. Everyone has a deep, dark secret.

The first day Chase went to preschool a couple of weeks back I got a knock at the door. I typically do not answer the door if I am not expecting someone. I always try to see if I can see the person from the window. I couldn't this day and for some reason decided to open the door. It was a young girl selling a Kirby vacuum who asked if she could have a few minutes of my time. (By the way, what they really mean is can I steal 25 minutes of precious time from you). Since this girl seemed nice enough and had the awful job of going door to door selling a vacuum, (Yeah, I know, her choice) I invited her in to do her presentation. Maybe it was because I was feeling emotional, who the fuck knows. Or maybe it was because she brought a little basket of food as a thank you for inviting her in (Hey, it was food! Don't judge!) As she was unpacking the ridiculously priced vacuum my head started spinning. Someone had dropped her off. What if this was all a plan to get in my house? Is she going to try to kill me and my baby? Should I go grab the phone? She looked like she was honest enough, but those are the ones that commit the crimes. Needless to say she did her presentation and left without pulling out a knife.

It happens at the store, when I go running, at random times. Those thoughts wondering if the creepy dude staring at me and my boys is going to follow me. The truck that is slowing down as I am running, is he going to grab me? Seriously, maybe I should stop watching those shows!

It also saddens me that the world has turned into a place like this. I fear having my children someday walking the streets or playing outside. When I was a child we would be outside all the time without supervision. I just can't wrap my head around sending my kids outside without me. What happened to mankind? What happened to love, compassion, trust and safety? I wish more for my children than having to fear the evil of others. I want my children to be able to live in a world where we don't have to lock our doors. I want my children to learn trust. It is my job to teach them love and raise them to be good men. To show them kindness and respect, and how to give that to others. I can only hope they make the right choices and that evil does not cross their paths.