Running On Memories

I have always believed that no matter how long a person is in your life, whether a short time or a life long friend, that each and every person is meant to be there. Each person we meet fits like a puzzle piece into our lives. Take that piece away then there is an empty space. Friendships grow, change, evolve and sometimes lose their way. I have been fortunate to have many amazing women in my life. Some have passed through while others have remained for years. Some friends I have gone years without actually seeing yet that doesn't change the feelings I hold for them. There are new friendships I have formed that have evolved and become strong and vital to me. I am thankful for each and every single one as every person is as unique as the friendship they bring.

Last week I was scrolling through Facebook feed as usual. There it was on her page: "RIP, you will be missed." I instantly felt numb, sick, and sadness washed over me. I jumped to her page and started reading a couple of comments which confirmed my inner fear. She had passed away. I found out on the day she was buried. This burned me even more as I would have been there to send her off in peace. To tell her one last time that I missed her. To let her know that I loved her and no amount of time that separated us would change that.

We grew apart somewhere around 2011. There was no falling out or ugly argument. Both our lives started moving in other directions. We would send one another the concessional "I miss you" either by text or via one another Facebook page yet never get together again. The news of her passing hit me and had me searching for answers. I am not sure what exactly I was looking for. Maybe peace; for her and for me. What I found instead were several conversations on her FB page that she and I exchanged, runs that brought me to tears, and dreams where she lingered. She was gone. That final message on her Facebook wall we exchanged on July 12th, 2012 would be our last. Four years and one day to the day she passed she passed away.

This isn't my grief though. My heart aches as her friend and the friendship we had formed long ago. What pains me the most is that she was not just a woman, not just a friend, but she was a mother. Left behind are children who won't have their mom to call anymore. A daughter who won't be able to have her mother braid her hair, paint her nails, kiss her tears away or go wedding dress shopping with. Left behind are son's who will no longer share the excitement of their day, her arms wrap around them, and hear her voice tell stories of her childhood. It's their sadness that penetrates within me. 

All those little things we take for granted every day, they matter. That is what I kept going back to on my runs each morning. The simple things are really the things that matter most to our children: brushing their hair, washing their hands, and putting them to bed. Singing songs, reading books and belly laughs. Cleaning dirty finger prints off the doors and windows. Wiping boogers and butts and holding them close while they are sick. Getting them ready for their first day of school or sending them off to camp. Many are small tasks we sometimes grumble over. Small yes, but so very important to a child. Each and every interaction we have with our children helps to shape them and they remember the littlest things. Things which we may not realize are so big to them. 

Tears greeted my face a few times as my feet hit the pavement last week. I felt a heaviness in me that was all too familiar and unwelcome. I have never been good at handling my own emotions when it comes to death. I have lost people close to me over the years and one thing I have learned is that grief takes form in many ways and the pain of losing a loved one never truly goes away. All the while my runs were filled with prayer, asking God and her to watch over those children and leave them with only happy memories. There were also prayers of selfishness asking God never to take me from mine. The very thought of it brings me to tears and terrifies me. I want to be able to share and become better at savoring each and every moment. Even all those little ones. The silent ones. They all matter, each and every one. 

Her death reminded me not only of the beautiful person I remember, the one who loved babies and dogs, it also reminded me just how we never know what each day brings. We are not promised tomorrow. There is no guarantee you and I will speak in the morning or even next week. So maybe we all need to be better about telling those we love how much we love them. Send a card, pick up the phone, or make that time to see them. Most importantly, if you have kids, hug them tight. Tell them you love them every chance you get. If they ask to snuggle, then stop what you are doing and snuggle. Those hugs your kids give you, hold on tight when they do. Those dirty little fingers on your glass door that you want to Windex away, maybe just leave them there a little longer. Someday these moments will all seem so far away. Let's not wish we would have made the time for all the amazing small moments. I hope I can be better about creating more and living in them. This life is a gift, always live it with a grateful heart. Most importantly: Always say I love you! 


"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people stay for awhile, and move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ~ Flavia Weedn

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7 Life Lessons That Running Has Taught Me

When I began running I had no idea how it would change me. I started running to get into shape, be more fit, and live a healthier lifestyle. I never understood all the other things it would give me until some time and miles later. Running would not only physically change me, it would also become a metaphor for many things in life. Today I do my best to apply many of the  lessons I have learned from running into each day. Today I will share them with you.

1- Always Believe You Can: It is amazing to me what one can do when you apply this mantra. There was a time that running a mile was difficult. Running five miles became a monumental milestone. Completing my first Half Marathon was epic to me. I would have never reached any of these goals without the belief that I could do it. I knew it would be difficult, I knew it would take dedication, discipline and devotion. Everything in life requires these things. I truly believe we are capable of so much. Each one of us can reach our goals as long as we believe that we can. It starts within us before it can be a part of us.

2- Set Goals and Chase Your Dreams: I find that when I set running goals for myself I push myself to limits I may not have if those goals were not set. Those goals give me something to fight for. They give me the drive I need to push on when I want to stop. It is the same for myself and my family. I have aspirations, dreams and goals I want to complete. It is also important that my children see me set goals. I want them to dream big, create their own goals, and pursue whatever it is their hearts yearn for. Because remember, you can do anything you put your mind to if you want it bad enough!

3- Be Realistic: It is important in setting your goals that you set ones that are attainable. After years of running I have come to know what my body is capable of. In that same sentiment I also know what I am not able to do or what may require more patience. One of the hardest things in any sport and in life is facing disappointment. We want to perform the best we can. We want to do and be better than we are. Absolutely nothing is wrong with wanting more. There is nothing wrong with striving to be a better you and creating a life that exemplifies this. First, stop for a second and think about this: Is what you want for your life reasonable? Be honest, stay true to yourself and always be realistic.

4- Have Patience With Yourself: Patience is not always my strong suit. This is something I continue to struggle with on a daily basis. Running has proved to me that as long as you make a commitment, put in the time, and be patient that it all becomes worth it. When I first started running I didn't step outside my door and run ten miles. I had to take my time and slowly increase my mileage. I still remembered running two miles and the feeling I had when I completed it. The first time I hit six miles was a milestone for me, as was miles 7,8, and 9. I try my best to apply this patience in my own life, with my children, in my relationship and in my own personal battles. We have to take time to stop in moments. We need to realize that anything worth fighting for does not happen overnight. Stop, breathe life in, and be patient with yourself.

5- It's not always easy but it is always worth it: Saturday morning I did a long run and it was amazing. Sunday morning I woke up, felt great, got out there and had a shitty run. Each step I took felt heavy, the first mile felt like five, and I wanted to quit much sooner than I actually did. I wanted to, but I didn't. Instead I pushed myself to a mental goal. When I set out to do any run I have a mile goal in my head that I want to reach. No matter how the run turns out, I am going to reach that goal. I love running, running has become an outlet for me. I may love running, but not every run is easy. The end result, every run is worth it. No matter what life throws at you, however beautiful or sad, it happens for a reason. Though some moments are more challenging than others it is always worth it when you reach your goal. It is worth financial struggle, personal growth and those relationships that we live in. Life is not always easy, but it is one hell of a ride. Hold on tight, it's worth it!

6- Be Grateful: Running is a humbling sport. There is never a run that I have where I don't take time to thank God for being able to use my legs. Running has taught me, it has healed me, it has given me strength. I am grateful for each run. I am thankful that I am able to use my legs. I am thankful for my life, my children, my husband and family. I am thankful that I can breathe. I am grateful. We must always take moments to offer thanks and be grateful for everything we are given. When you think you have it bad just stop and remember that there is someone else who is hurting more than you. Each day be grateful!

7- Have Fun: Last, but certainly not the least valid: HAVE FUN! Enjoy what you are doing. Dance, laugh, sing, jump, run, walk and skip. Do one of these, do all of these, just do it with a smile on your face. Life is too short, it is a sacred gift. We are fortunate to be here and it is our job to live it as if each moment were our last. So no matter what you are doing try and do it with a smile. Find fun in every day even when it is the darkest of days. Look around you, it truly is wonderful to be alive. 


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Learning to Say "YES" When I Really Want to Say "NO"!

There have been some lessons in my house over the past couple of years that have been unexpected. I have been pushed and challenged in ways that sometimes surprise me. In moments where I try to teach my children, they in turn are teaching me.

In my house I don't always want other hands helping me. I tend to get annoyed when I am cooking in the kitchen and suddenly the entire family is crammed into the small space while I am trying to prepare dinner. I am the master at multitasking. I feel I actually work better this way and that trait helps me at work and at home. So when daddy comes in the kitchen and stirs something when I have my back turned I want to smack his hand away. Usually I just grit my teeth and bite my tongue. Then there are those little people in my house who are always eager to help mommy. Little hands who want to be right there and are enthusiastic about doing something with mommy.

Here's the things friends: I would rather tell them NO. Yes, I sometimes find it exhausting, annoying, and time consuming to have them help me. But I don't tell them "No". I fight the urge of that word slipping from my tongue and instead do my best to include them. I have learned scratch that, I am learning to let go of some control and allow my children to help me. This may mean that there are times that things take twice as long, become ten times more messy, and the task may not always be done to what I would call "perfection". What it is done with is effort and enthusiasm...and toddler love!

I do love that quality that both my boys possess, wanting to always "help". I have a few things that I let them help with often, if not daily. Here are a few things that my toddlers do in my house.

* Helping with the animals: We have two dogs and one cat in our house. The boys love to help feed them. Sometimes they help put the food in the bowls. Other times it is bringing the dogs their food once it is together. Even the simple task of giving them a treat makes them happy. Both of the boys also will pick up the bowls when the dogs have finished eating to hand them to me to put away. I believe strongly that they should have a part in taking care of their pets. I want them to know and understand that having pets is not only loving them, it is taking care of them and being responsible for them.

* Laundry: When I say it is time to do laundry the boys rush to my side. From sorting laundry by dark and whites, to handing me clothes to put in the dryer, or taking the clothes from the dryer so that I can fold them. Both of them happily take part in this. Folding laundry tends to take me twice as long but I know they love to help.

* Baking or cooking: My Four year old loves to do cooking or baking projects with me. Baking often becomes a weekend activity for him and I. He loves making things and is proud of whatever we do. When I am cooking dinner he will run to get his stool so he can "help". I will admit this may be the hardest one for me. Things tend to get messy and end up all over the counters and floors. I despise a mess of any sorts! Here is where my patience is truly tested. It is our "thing" though. I want him to have the memory of cooking with me and hope this is something we do for years.

* Doing the dishes: Occasionally my Four year old also wants to do dishes. This is another example of how things can get messy and drive me batty. Usually daddy is the one who supervises this while I leave the room.Of coarse he doesn't exactly get them clean and one of us has to re-wash them...yet who I am to tell a man "No" when he offers to do the dishes! I am hopefully doing his future wife a big favor in having him do some housework...Even if I have to mop up the floor after he is done.

* Cleaning the kids room: Whenever I do a clean through of my sons room, whether it is going through toys or cleaning the floors, I involve him in being a part of this process. It is his room and I do my best to teach him to help take care of his things. If I am pulling everything out of his room to clean you better bet he is right there helping me. He knows the drill by now, and catch this, he likes doing it!

These all become lessons for my children. I also believe they have become lessons for me. In allowing my children to do these tasks I have to be patient. I admit, I have to work on this one during any of these chores. I have to slow down and allow their creative little minds and hands help to tackle some of the things which I could get done in a fraction of the time. I believe this teaches them responsibility, accountability, and allows them to grow to be independent individuals. I do not want my children to think that mama is going to do everything for them. If they make a mess, they need to pick it up. If they are done with their toys, it is their responsibility to pick up their toys.

It is my job as their mother to guide and teach them. I knew that part before I signed onto this job. Yet what I wasn't prepared for is all that they would teach me in return. I am figuring it out every new day. I may not always get it right, but that is what tomorrow is for. 

Thank You for Stopping by!! Do you give your children chores? How do you include them in the daily tasks?

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Remember these things for 2015

Each year as the days approach to New Years Eve many of us are pondering what it is that we will strive for in the following year. I have, in years past, set resolutions for myself. Some I have met, others I have failed. I feel goals are important. I think it is essential to our well being to strive for better things. To become better people. To look at ourselves and evaluate what it is that we need in our lives to feel accomplished, complete, and happy. I have been putting some thought into what I would like to achieve in 2015. A few things come to mind. The usual things like: being more patient, exercising more, and staying positive. This year I think I will not look at setting a New Years Resolution. No, I want the following year to be one of growth and accomplishment each day that passes. Instead of one or two things to work on, I want to remind myself of all the things I have done that have brought me happiness, love and strength. I want to reflect on these lessons and remember each day why they are important. I share these with all of you, may you find comfort in a few of them.

Remember: You are capable of anything that you put your mind to. If you want something with all your heart, you will reach it. Never say you can't, always believe that you can. The power of belief will open yourself up to possibilities you never knew were there.

Remember: It is easier to think a negative thought than a positive one. Each time you have a negative thought, try replacing it with something that is positive from that same situation.

Remember: Each day is a new day. A new opportunity for growth, adventure and challenging yourself. Do something you never thought you would do. Life is short, live your days as if it was the last one you were given.

Remember: You are going to make mistakes. You are going to fail. Instead of beating yourself up and dwelling on the mistake, accept it as a challenge and try again. We all have bad days. Do not live within guilt and let it own you.

Remember: Life is not suppose to be easy. We are meant to be challenged. Accept your challenges and meet them with strength and determination.

Remember: Keep in mind the power of words. Speak them kindly. Use your words in loving ways. People will hold on to what you say long after the moment is gone.

Remember: Take moments to stop: To listen. To dance. To sing. To be silly.

Remember:  You and only YOU are in control of your life. We choose the elements around us. Choose carefully and thoughtfully.

Remember: We are examples to our children. Be the person you want them to reflect. Teach them kindness. Show them love has no boundaries, no prejudice, and no room for selfishness.

Remember: Relationships are work. Each one; a lover, a friend or family member, requires its own unique attention. Give to each what you want in return.

Remember: Do not hold on to regret. Let it go, release it.

Remember: It is okay to cry.

Remember: Forgiveness. Forgive loved ones, yourself, and strangers. We all make mistakes.

Remember:  Be grateful for all you have. It is easy to want more or desire something another has. Look around your own life and count your blessings.

Remember: Be healthy. Eat foods that nourish you. Find an exercise routine that works with you. Eating right and being active can be healing to the soul as well as your body.

Remember: You are good enough. You are amazing. You are special.


Happy New Year to you all! May the days ahead bring you love, laughter, and happiness. Don't choose a New Years Resolution. Choose a better tomorrow for your journey ahead. 

What I have been taught

In just over a couple of weeks it seems mind boggling to me that I will be celebrating my babies FIRST BIRTHday. Seriously, can someone please pinch me now?! I can honestly say the past year has flown by. It saddens me that he will be turning into a "toddler" soon. I assure you though that the title "Baby Wesley", as we call him at home, will most likely follow him for years to come.

Over the past year there have been many changes and discoveries. This Blog is called "Discovering Me In Them" for a reason. I went from being a full time mom who also worked full time to being a SAHM working part time. I thought I would reflect on some of the things I have learned about myself in the past year and what this year has taught me.

* When they tell you it is the hardest job you will ever have they are not kidding! I heard it several times and it is not that I didn't believe them, I just didn't completely understand it until now. Some days are down right exhausting and I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions. Others are filled with play and laughter. This job is unpredictable and challenging. It is without a doubt the hardest job I have ever had. On the other side of it I have never had a job give back so much in return. I can't imagine one moment without these little creatures not at my feet or pulling at me with those dirty, sticky little hands.

* I always thought I was a patient person until...wait...can you guess?  Until I had kids! I thought I could be softer and much more patient than I am some days. This actually disappoints me, kind of even hurts some days. I have to practice patience daily. There are days I manage to succeed while other days I fail miserably. This is one of those lessons that they are teaching me.

* Forgiveness. I do this daily. I have come to terms that there will be many fails as a parent. I have found that the longer I dwell on the mistakes I make the harder it is to let go and move on. Parenting is learning as you go. You have to forgive yourself in order to move forward. I tend to be my biggest critic. Each day I vow to try harder than the next. I am bound to figure it out and get it right sooner or later right?!

* Working part time and staying home has taught me balance. It wasn't easy in the first few months. I had to try find where work fit into my life after making the decision to stay home with my boys. Working from home some days is not a luxury as some people may think. Have you ever tried to make a phone call with kids around? It always seems like a good idea to do a little work when they are playing or napping. Then it happens, you pick up the phone and suddenly all hell breaks loose! There are days which I have to leave for work and being that I am with them most of the time I still struggle to feel okay with working and being away from them. There are days I wonder if it will ever feel okay. Will I adapt as they seem to do? It is a balance that I am working on still a year later but happy to say I am getting better at.

* I have been taught that these moments with my children are priceless. I may not know what a lunch break is, how to take a piss by myself, or always shower without worrying if one of the kids will be dead when I get out, but that is all okay! The past year has flown by. Shit, the past 4 years have flown by! I am happy and blessed for each and every single moment. I would not change where I am right now because for me this is exactly how it is suppose to be for me.

* The past year has taught me to be gracious for everything. Even the smallest of things. I appreciate what I have and though I have to admit there are days I would love a big house, a new car, or maybe even a new wardrobe (oh and bra's! Seriously, I don't even know the last time I bought a nice bra), that all those things are only material items. It is the people who I am surrounded with that make life incredible.

I am sure if I had more time (Time? What is that?) I may have been able to come up with 10 or maybe even 15 things to write about. I wonder if in another year I will look back on this list and find that life has gotten less crazy. Maybe I will have adapted more. Or maybe in a year this list will still be the same. Really, it doesn't matter. I feel I am right where I was meant to be. This past year I feel like I have come to a place where I feel truly happy and fulfilled. This place now, this is where I have always wanted to be. At the end of any day that is the meaning of all of this. It is all any of us ever want, pure happiness.

The Simple Things

It doesn't take much to warm the heart of a child. We don't need to shower them with toys that cost dollars more than which they should. Sometimes it is the smallest things that can make them happy. The Simple things.

Don't get me wrong, I too like to buy my children things when I have a few dollars. There is something about seeing your children light up over that new toy or "thing" you got them. And when they are three years old the happiness of their little face is all the appreciation you need.

Valentines Day I wanted to get a little something for Chase but since he just had his birthday and Christmas was right before that, I was not about to go overboard. I settled on stickers for his sticker book, a coloring book and poster, and a stuffed dog. Chase has an entire pop up hamper filled with stuffed animals. It's is not like the child needs more. I found this little dog. He was a dollar! Hell yeah! Now that is what I am talking about. I figured he would get tossed aside right away anyway, but he was cute.

This new little stuffed dog has already served it's purpose well. Chase is going through a phase where at night he is scared of monsters, dinosaurs, and "the guy" (don't get me started on that one, freaky!!) The boy has quite an imagination and is good about working himself up lately and needing some extra consoling. He wanted to sleep with the dog. He typically doesn't sleep with his stuffed animals, he is a blanket boy, (Linus and him would get along great!) Later that night I went to check on him and this is what I found :

Every night for the past 4 nights that dog sleeps with him. We place him on the pillow to "protect" Chase from the dreaded monsters and dinosaurs that lurk in his room late at night ;)  It gives him a sense of comfort.

Chase also likes to give it to Wesley. Saturday out of the blue Chase went to grab the dog and said he wanted Wesley to have it for a little while. Yesterday Wesley was upset so Chase went to get the dog for him.

This dog may have only been a dollar, but it is already worth so much more than that! I didn't need to buy a big stuffed dog for 30 dollars, or a Tonka truck, or 20 matchbox cars (all those things I am sure he would have happily taken) just a small dog for a dollar.

I want my children to focus on the meaning of a gift, not the price. This gift was a reminder for even myself of just that. It is up to us to teach our children these simple lessons. It is in a single moment that our children teach us too.