Thursday, March 5, 2015

The Day I Hurt My Son's Feelings

As mothers we do our best to try and protect our children. We give them love, nurture them, and help them thrive. We do everything in our power to shield our children from sadness and pain. Each time either one of my toddlers gets hurt they run to me to make things better. Whether there is blood or the optical illusion of it, my children want my arms around them to make them feel better. That is until I am the one who causes the pain. The other day I hurt my son’s feelings and a piece of my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.


The four year old, Chase, was upset with his one and a half year old brother,Wesley, for whatever reason; a toy was taken away, he had something the four year old wanted, or merely the simple fact the he was even born. It is usually one of those three things that sets things off. Chase decided it would be a good idea to push his little brother over. This of course resulting in big crocodile tears from the little guy and mama bear suddenly had her claws out.


I can tolerate a good amount from my son before I spontaneously com-bust. What I do not tolerate in my house is being mean. I do understand that pushing, wrestling, and fighting is what siblings do. Yet I also feel it is important to correct behaviors that may cause harm. It wouldn’t be the first time the baby “fell” into the door. As I tell Chase, mama sees everything!



I reacted this particular day before taking a moment to think. I yelled at Chase, most likely roaring like a mama bear would do, and grabbed him to put him in a time out. Now it wasn’t just Wesley that was crying but Chase, and deep down I had to stifle back my crying. I was frustrated and angry at Chase for his behavior and in that first moment I wanted him to know it.


After the storm had settled in the house I went to Chase so we could talk about what happened. I try be sure we always discuss why he received his time out now that he is getting old enough to understand what feelings are and how our actions affect others. I told him that what he did made me sad. I asked him how he would feel if someone treated him the way he treated his brother. After the conversation life went back to normal. That is until Chase said something to me that made me feel like I had gotten slapped in the face:


Chase: “Mama, I made you sad?”
Me: "Yes, I am disappointed in you. I don’t like when you treat your brother like that. It hurts my feelings.”
Chase: “Well, I am sad too. You hurt my feelings too when you yelled at me.”


There it was. I hurt his feelings. Me, mama, I made him sad. Yes, he is four. Yes, he can manipulate. Yes, it is my job to set limits and discipline him. I believe in limits and boundaries for children. But "this" moment, "those" words, I knew they were real. It doesn't matter how it happened, it is that it happened at all. I was the one to hurt my son. Even worse, is when I realized that this would not be last time it happens.

I  have to remember that as his mother I need to teach him. In some of those tough moments there will be times that feelings will get hurt. What I would like to take from this is that maybe in the times that I feel like I am ready to "roar", that I take a moment to stop and wait before I respond. I don't want to regret my actions due to reacting too quickly. Much easier said than done and I already know this is something that I have to work on. 

I know that there will be several moments to come that will be challenging for our relationship. There will be stages and ages which will be harder than others. We will grow close, and there will be times in which we fall apart. Any relationship takes work, effort, love and strength. I know that as his mother I will always have to apply all of these things to our relationship.

Perhaps this is about forgiveness. Him forgiving me, me forgiving him, and possibly the most difficult: me forgiving myself.


Thank you for stopping by! If you like it please share it!


If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

11 comments:

  1. Beautiful post, Crystal. It is often a lot more difficult to forgive yourself than it is to forgive another. I'm glad that you're not neglecting that extremely important facet of forgiveness. Your sons will make mistakes and teaching them to forgive themselves is just as important as teaching them to forgive others. I always enjoy your posts, Crystal!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank You Kara! It is lesson learning for them as well as me. Some days it can be more challenging than others. It is not always easy to let things go and guilt is a hard thing to rid yourself of but I try and I want to teach that to them.
      Thank you for your words!!!
      Today tho...yeah, I should have read this a few times! :)

      Delete
  2. Thank you for sharing your experience! I wonder if it's an age thing. My daughter is 4, almost 5 and we talked about situations that happened and how it makes us feel. I have heard a few times how I've hurt her feelings too. As a parent, that is the last thing we want to hear or know that we've done - been the source of hurt feelings for our children. But, also as parents, we need to realize that there will be those times where we will hurt their feelings and that's okay. Just make sure to always go back and talk about it. Don't be afraid to apologize, if you need to. It goes a long way to teaching kids about actions, consequences and the power of words. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it is an age thing. They are starting to figure out what feelings are all about. Chase has even been talking about a kid at school and how he is mean to the other kids and how it upsets him.
      I always try to make sure I apologize. I think it is very important for him to learn saying sorry just as much as it is to forgive.
      This teaching little people can be tough stuff! :)

      Delete
  3. I think the fact that he told you that his feelings were hurt is a good sign that he feels free to tell you things! Also, it came to my mind that my sister has been telling me that she is taking a "boundaries" course at her church (the book is by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend). She says it has made her house so much more peaceful. There are quite a few books in the boundaries series and they have helped me also.

    Forgiveness can be hard for me, but I have gotten better at it. That is wonderful that you are working on your relationships!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the suggestion! I will have to look into that book! They say it takes a tribe to raise a child, Lord knows we all could use a little help.

      Delete
  4. It's so good to talk to kids after a "blow out" like that - I always tell my kids "You know, yelling wasn't the best way for me to deal with that, I'm sorry I lost my patience. How can we do things different next time?" (Of course, my kids are nearly grown now!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope I can look back and not have regrets. I just want my children to feel love and not remember the moments when I went crazy ;)

      Delete
  5. This is definitely normal for this age, and he will assert himself more as he ages with his brother. Talking to him was awesome, and yeah yelling isn't the best but we all do it. Don't beat yourself up about it - he'll never remember this moment as clearly as you will. You are a great mama for recognizing what you did and learning from it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I like reading stuff like this because it always reminds me that it's ok. You know what I mean? Everything is a learning experience. Don't beat yourself up! Thanks for sharing at Totally Terrific Tuesday last week! Can't wait to see what you have lined up tonight!

    Sharon
    herorganizedchaos.com

    ReplyDelete