Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Balancing Act

I was never worried that my heart would not have enough love for both my boys. I knew that I had so much to give both my children. When I was pregnant with Wesley I made sure I told Chase how much I loved him and how special he was. I wanted him to know that even though there was a new baby coming that there was a special bond between us that would always remain. I wanted him to hear it. Of coarse being 2 1/2 at that time he didn't know what I was saying. He will never remember those words I whispered to him at night. He will not know how I go into his room even now, after he is asleep, to tuck him in one last time and kiss him.

Now that Wesley is here what I do find myself worrying about is the time and attention that I give to both of them. I do my best to spend time with Chase and Wesley. Some days that doesn't equal out though. I hate the moments I have to tell Chase no or that he has to wait. Of coarse these are important things for him to learn. I know this. Yet it use to be just him and I. He never had to compete for my attention. We did things together, just the two of us. Walking and hiking in the woods is one of my favorite things we would do.

My First Mothers Day~ Hiking with Chase (Just under 4 months old)

I also find myself getting frustrated and upset at some of these moments when he is vying for my attention and I end up putting Wesley down or ending a nursing session because Chase is having another melt down that only mommy can stop. Those moments I sometimes think how unfair it is to Wesley. He will never get those moments that I had with Chase when there was only one child.

It is indeed a balancing act. Some days I feel unsteady on my feet. Overwhelmed. Dis-shuffled.

Then there are those moments that I get to watch them interact. It fills my heart with such love. It is amazing to me to sit back and watch. To listen to the sounds of laughter that they create with one another. Those are the moments that help me. They keep me grounded.

I am thankful for my children. Grateful to have this life to share with these little people. Just like every parent, I want to get it right!

I want my boys to grow up and know that they were insanely loved, no matter how rough of a day we had! I want them to love one another. To practice being kind to one another, especially 20 years from now.

So today I take a deep breathe and continue on with this balancing act. I will remind myself that I am only one person. I will tell myself that my heart will love them in ways that can never be measured. And at the end of any day, that is what will count. 

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