Wished, Hoped & Prayed

Have you ever wanted to smack someone? Maybe even punch them in the face? How about body slam them? Yeah, well I sure have! It's a good thing I have some self restraint in me or else there would have probably been a simple assault on my record by now.

See, if you didn't know me before I had children I was a bit "wild" I guess you could say. I liked to party, I was/am loud, I took chances and enjoyed my life. Some people may have thought I was being a bit outrageous. Maybe that is putting it lightly. I liked to drink, smoke, go to the bars, hang out with my friends, go see shows, and I liked the boys too.

My GF Jen & I at a Halloween party in July! Pre-Baby for both of us. We may have had a "few."

There have been a couple  times since I have had children that I have gotten the response : "Who would have thought?!"

I smile and chuckle at this with those people who comment. It is easier to do that than what I really would like to do. See, here is the thing: Who I was before children does not explain who I am! When you say that to me are you trying to offend me? Do you realize what you are saying? There are several things that I have done in my past that I regret. Then there are several which have made me who I am today. The good, the bad, and the utterly ugly. All of it! I don't regret one single moment. Would I have done some things differently? Maybe. Do I wish I could turn back time? Never. Each decision, every person, and all those moments helped to create me. They don't define me.

To answer the question "Who would have thought?!" : I thought it! I wished it, hoped for it, prayed for it, and tried for it! I wanted a family, a partner, and children. I always have. In those moments where it was not happening were not always the happiest moments for me. It may have taken me longer to get here than planned, but I have arrived.

Maybe those people who say such things are not trying to intentionally hurt me. And normally I am a "I don't give a fuck what you think" kind of person. I do have a rather sensitive side and for some reason things like this creep to the center of that. 

I am not a judgmental person. I believe everyone deserves a second chance. We never know what is really going on within someone. Everyone has skeletons, they are theirs, not yours.

Life is very different for me now. I may be 36 but I am still growing up. I learn more about myself everyday. Each day is a gift to me. A stepping stone in my personal journey. I am grateful for it all. For my family and my friends who have stood by my side throughout all my changes. And for the lessons it all has taught me.