I do enjoy some alone time though. It’s important and absolutely essential to any mother. This is where I run. Some runs are long, others are just to help maintain my sanity. Then it begins. As I run, I think up all those crazy thoughts that you had no idea you could even think up. I am a pretty optimistic person. I am not one who carries a lot of anxiety. Yet when I separate myself from my children my head becomes this place filled with chaos.
I typically use my thinking time when I am running for constructive things. I think about the day – how things have gone, and how can I make them better. I think about what I want for myself, for my family, and I wonder where life will take us. I use this time to reflect on mistakes I have made. Parenting fails and bumps in the road I may have hit along the way. It’s my time to release, heal and aspire for more.
Then it happens – I hear sirens. I see a cop car. A fire truck goes by with all of its flashing lights. I suddenly lose all rationality.
I begin to wonder if something has happened at the house…
Did one of the kids get hurt? Did my oldest run outside and get hit by a car? Is there a fire? Did the baby fall and get hurt? Did one of the kids break something?
These are just some of the ridiculous things that go through my head. Others are just too embarrassing to share.
Truth be told, I get a little nervous not being around my kids. Okay, so more than a little. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is going to happen to them if I am not there. I trust my partner; it has nothing to do with him. I trust my folks, who are the only other people I leave my kids with. So what is wrong with me?!
It’s simple – I am a mother. These are my children who grew inside me and I want to always protect them. I know very well that they could be with me and break a bone or fall off the couch just as easily as if they were with their father. I am not a superhero who can protect my children from all the bad things I fear. I just want to be there for them, ease any pain, and try my best to let them know I will do whatever it takes to keep them safe.
Can I shut my mind off? Will this get easier? Probably not. I am sure there will be countless more runs filled with crazy thoughts and unrealistic scenarios. I don’t have a cape hanging in my closet. There will be different ages and stages to challenge me. I just have to remember to breathe, be thankful, and never take a moment for granted.
What do you do for "ME" time away from your children? Are you able to be in the moment or do you struggle with "crazy" thoughts too?
Other Posts From DISCOVERING ME IN THEM:
What I Fear The Most
The Day I Hurt My Sons Feelings
This is not uncommon. I know many mothers experience something similar as I do at times. We as mothers are hugely aware of our responsibility and vulnerability. Many of us find that our attitude changes to simple things, we become much more risk averse. We would like to know that our children are safe at all times but that is not possible. It is those quiet times when those anxieties and sense of vulnerability surfaces and for some of us in our dreams too. Great post. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting.
DeleteWe never really are alone in anything we do. Our children are always there somehow.
This is exactly one of the things we didn't figure into the equation when we signed up to be parents. Whenever anyone says, "I can't wait to get more sleep," all I can think is: Once they start sleeping better, you potty train and there's wet beds. Then bad dreams. Soon enough they'll be having sleepovers, then going out, then moving out, then living life. All this time, I'll be up for them. When will I ever sleep again? LOL Great read!!
ReplyDeleteYes! I did not sign up for this one! Or the night terrors (funny because that is this weeks post). It's constant the challenges we encounter as parents. I have always wanted children and dreamed of becoming a mother but this surely wasn't part of the plan!
DeleteI always worry a little when I'm away from the kids. It's irrational, I know, because like you said, it's not like I have special powers to protect them. I guess it's hard to give up control. I try to enjoy the time as much as possible though, because it's rare! Thanks for linking up at the Manic Mondays blog hop!
ReplyDeleteAs you know (I think you do, anyway!) I'm a stepmom, with no birth children of my own. But I swear I worried double about my boys - because there was always this fear that I absolutely could not ever let anything happen to them on "my watch". We had custody, so I was the main parent in their lives - and I felt like it was a huge responsibility. If anything had happened to them, how could I ever explain to their mother, who was trusting me to make sure they were ok?
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